The monologue of a cheater
Ah…you want me to talk and tell about myself? I know you don’t want to know the details and it will be hard for me to talk without any of them “escaping” my mouth.The relation with him was easy, without questions, without worry for the future. When I got on a relation with you, I have asked myself a lot of question, “Will he be a good father for my children?”, “ Will my family and friends like and accept him?”, “Will I be able to live with him under the same roof all my life?”. With him, I didn’t think of any of these. All was disconnected from everyday problems, the boring routine of the 5 days of the week. I didn’t get with him in arguments over the dirty dishes in the sink, expenses on the bank account, did children eat vegetables and fruits. With him, was just him and my, nothing else and nobody else. I found an emotional source that made me look at the problems with less focus, a reason to leave the house dresses nice, a reason to use the new perfume. It was a very good feeling to see myself, once again, adored, loved, appreciated in a new way. He was making me compliments that I didn’t hear before, made me discover things I didn’t know and nobody before had noticed in me. His attraction was like the one that a book of Gabriel Garcia Marques gives during exam season, when there are 2000 pages of theory to read.
In a certain way, in a mathematic logic, I have cheated both of you. He has seen only the fun, playful, smiley side of me while you, lately, have seen only the worry side of me, the one looking to solve issues. He doesn’t know what I do when the house is a mess, he doesn’t know how many questions I make before I pick the color for the bedroom walls, he doesn’t know what toothpaste I use. You know me well because I used to be fun and playful with you some time ago as well. Maybe there were the everyday discussions and worries that changed us. Maybe we both changed but forgot to tell each-other when we did.
What we have together is very important, because we have been together for so long on good and bad, sick and health, because we have children together..but are we happy together? Sometimes I feel like we are brother and sister. Even thought we still have sex together, the spark is gone. When we come back at home from work and see each-other, we do not have anymore the butterflies in stomach. Sometimes a small discussion lingers for long because we are both tired and without the desire to do the first step and not go to bed angry. Is there a life-long love? Is it fair to ask to love and be in a teenage love relation after being married together for so long? I still feel for you, I care for you but I’m not sure I am still in love with you. I can still continue to live with you, do your laundry and ironing, cook your favorite dishes, kiss you when you get home from work, make love with you all night long, I can do them all. All, if you want to. I would be a liar to say I still love you like before. I saw myself living two different lives at the same time. I had beside me two men that offered something that completed each-other, a very fulfilled life. On one side I had you offering me family, insurance, safety. On the other side was him offering adventure, something new, something un-known. It was something in parallel that made me forget how old I was. I never promised him anything more than that and I never asked him more than that. He will stay in my life just like that. Maybe I will meet him again but, already, something has changed between us. This change might connect me more with you or push me more toward him. This all depends on how will we be able to live together after this. Will you be the man that will look at me with disguise and make me feel guilty all my life, or will you be the man that will make me feel stupid to have an affair with someone and forget what a wonderful person I had on my side. I can only promise that I will do my best to make it work between us and consider this a wake up call that woke us from the sleep we had fallen to.
