Nobody to think of

I guess everyone has been in a situation when you are with someone, but you think of someone else. Sometimes, you have to think of someone else. The game goes "There is a hot girl in bed. Do you want to be the guy she is making love with, or the guy she is thinking she is making love with?". A lot of guys can trip on this question. Off course, girls too when the question stands for a "hot guy".
So the other night, I found myself thinking "Who should I think of right now?". And I got nothing back.
I am not the kind of women that likes to think of being with some movie star. They are hot and well presented, but don't do it for me. I need someone I can touch in real life. I need to be emotionally attached with someone, to be attracted to him. Usually handsome guys have a lot of problems with their attitude and issues with their self confidence. Not for me, thank you very much.
So, right now, in my life, there is nobody that I can think of that will turn me on. Is it because of the place I work where people are like robots? Hard to find a hot guy at work. I have discussed this with 2 colleagues, one girl and one gay guy and they are in the same conclusion, there are no hot guys at work. On the other side, there are no smart, well educated, attractive guys either. They all seem to be assholes.
Is it because the guys that might turn me on haven't been in touch with me in a while and I feel them remote? It can be. I do know guys that at some point in my life I have felt connected and attracted to. And then for a reason or another, they have either changed and I do not feel connected with them anymore. Or they have gone code blue on me and I don't know where they are. Or they talk to me once in a while by email or phone and then silence again. I do not blame any of them. The life is very fast and things move very quickly. I am not able to follow up with them as often as I would want to and I guess they might be in the same situation.
Is it because the weather is getting cold and I am getting cold too? I have to say, I think I know why sunflowers are my favourite flowers. They like sun, just like me. When is sunny and warm, I am happy and have energy and I make others think of me, rather than me need to think of someone. When it is cold, I am a different person altogether. More productive at work maybe but not on the personal level.
Can be any of these, or all of the above. And frankly, is not that I see it as a big problem. Was just a surprise to realize that the number of guys that I can feel connected and attracted to right now, is zero, actually 0.0 to be precise. Wow! Where did all the guys go? Did I feel like this when I was single? Maybe that's why I was ok to get married when I found someone decent. I thought at that time that I would never find a better one. Truth being told, I have meet other guys after my wedding that I could have considered if I was single. But at that point was not even necessary to take that path of thinking. And then, all of a sudden, I find myself unable to think of someone. I am back on understanding the boys from the single girl prospective.

When it rains, it pours

Or maybe the "the series of unfortunate events" for me. November was just horrible. I spent my birthday at hospital, having only one wish, for the doctor to take my dad to surgery that day. My dad had a minor heart attack and ended up having an angioplast. And then, the follow up with the family doctor. And then was an eye surgery, again for my dad, booked since May. And then the follow up. And then I had a car accident, someone hit me and then left the scene before police arrived. Another guy that was in the car pretended to be the driver. I got a ticket that will cost me a lot after calculating the lawyer that will take care of my case in court, paying to fix his and my car so we do not call insurances and all related to that. So I decided to start taking Go train. And then I got a parking ticket. And then my daughter was sick. After 1 week the doctor said that is pneumonia. She started antibiotics and feeling better. And then, just when i thought November was gone and my life should start looking better, I get a ticket for turning on a small road before 6:30pm. The sign is almost un-readible, in my mind I had it that the limit was for 6:00, my car was showing 6:15, I turned, the cop stopped me.. and a whole bunch of others before me and after me. This means more headache, more work for my lawyer to take this to court, more money wasted. It sucks! Right before christmas when I know I will spend for gifts, there I go and waste a whole bunch of money on cops and lawyer and car.
The horoscope tells me that I should be good because karma will help me. I have been really good with others, and this freaking karma is not being on my side at all. I am angry with myself, angry with the guy that hit me and left, angry with the doctor that waited 1 week until my daughter got really sick, angry with my husband that didn't pick up today the parts that I had ordered to fix my car, angry with the money that I am wasting, angry with my mom that gets worried very easy and prays every night asking very little back (I mean, if you pray, ask right, why stay short!), angry with guys at work that seem to drag their feet all day rather than get things done, angry with my daughter's teachers that think she is not responsible, angry with my daughter's karate teacher that tells me she hasn't been to karate, even when I explain to her that she has been sick, angry with the weather that is cold and rainy and snow, angry with people that leave parties, angry with people that do not leave their houses to socialize with their friends, angry that I can't be more in the mood to talk with my parents softer, angry with myself that I haven't been in the mood to be nicer to my daughter when she says "No" to everything I say, angry with ... everything, angry with the whole WORLD!

There were some good moments too in November. A lot of people wished me happy birthday and a lot of good things (although nothing so far), my husband bought me a nice necklace from Tiffany's, my dad had a new heart and a new eye that makes him see much better, I organized a part with a couple of other people and it was a success (I danced like there was no tomorrow), I went to yoga classes a couple of times (free ones at work), one of the guys that really bothers me at work was not there for a couple of weeks, one of my friends had a little baby boy (the next day after my accident).
It is not all dark pitch black, there are some white dots, but still, I am angry with myself and the whole World! Don't know what to do to forget and forgive myself. I don't think I can. I can't even sleep thinking about all this and worry even more and get angrier. I am disappointed with myself. Need therapy, need a psychiatrist. For a while I couldn't even cry. I wanted to but couldn't. And then I watched some crap movies and I started crying with those stories, but helped me to cry for myself. Crying is good, but must be when parents are not around or my mom will lower even more her asking on her prayers.
Time will sort things out, I know. Until then, I am angry without knowing how not to be angry.