Addictions

I have always believed that I am not addicted to anything. Even if I get addicted to something, I can stop it right away if I would want to. I have a hard time trusting people that say they can't stop some addiction. I believe that it can be done if you really want to. So it is not about "I can't" but is more about "I don't want to yet". While back, when I used to take the train at work, I started playing Sudoku on the daily newspaper. I was really into it and I wanted to always finish it during the time I was on train (30 minutes ride). Then, someone that used to take the train with me, made me realize that Sudoku had become an addiction for me. Instead of talking with someone, or read, or listen music or just watch out the window, I had a "mission" and I had to finish Sudoku. Then things changed and I started driving at work. So I didn't have any more access to the daily newspaper and I didn't have time during the day to find and complete a Sudoku. I thought I was healed and Sudoku was not an addiction any more. It just happened that I had to update my cellphone and the new phone I got...guess what... had Sudoku built-in. I did find myself getting back to it any time I was somewhere with nothing but the cellphone to do something. I remember one night, when my mom was in hospital after she had put the pacemaker on. I was tired after a long week, very stressful, very cold(was winter) and at around 8 pm, when they called for all visitors to leave the hospital, I stopped at the hospital door and I asked myself, "Do I want to go right away home?". I thought of my house that was upside down (for a week, 2 men and 1 child had been living wild), and all I wanted was a bit of my time for me. At that time of night, there is not much I could do, so I just turned back to a Tim Horton inside the hospital, I took a hot chocolate and just sat on a table at the corner. I had my cellphone with me and I started a very difficult level of Sudoku. It took me about 45 minutes to finish that and the chocolate. After that, I felt good. Got up and went home. Now I am back on taking the train to work. Back to the opportunity of the morning newspaper. Back to the addiction of Sudoku. But not just that. Just like everything, newspapers have evolved as well. There is a morning newspaper, but there is an evening one as well. Sudoku in the morning is easier than the one in the evening. BUT... in the morning, there is a new puzzle game, Cryptocipher. It a sentence where the letters are encrypted. All you get is a sentence with a bunch of letters and the decryption of one of the letters, for example N=P all over the sentence. So based on this, one should decrypt the whole sentence. So, my morning now consists on finishing the not so difficult Sudoku and then work on the cryptocipher. Some days I manage to finish both in 33 minutes (the length of the train ride). Some days I might not finish the cryptocipher. My evenings are focused on finishing the difficult Sudoku. If by any chance I get to finish that before my stop, I get back to the cryptocipher that I was not able to finish in the morning. It is helpless. I completely understand that I am addicted to puzzle games and there is very little I can do about it. One thing is to stop taking newspapers. But I would be bored to death for 30 minutes on the train. You can say I should read. Yes I agree, that would be the smart choice. But the books I should read are for learning, not for fun. And that's why, I am not really excited to read them. I find more excitement in finishing the games than in reading for an exam. Puzzles are ruining my day. I am addicted and I know it.

Re-connect

On many long journeys have I gone. And waited, too, for others to return from journeys of their own. Some return; some are broken; some come back so different only their names remain. --YODA, Dark Rendezvous

I am afraid that I am the last case in the mind of someone I re-met lately. There is no need to say a lot. When compared with before, you can say we might be the same and able to talk with each-other like then. But I felt it, was not. I think I am the one that has changed and didn't tell him I had changed. The thing is that, until now I didn't know I was changed either. We had to re-meet so I could be able to compare myself before and now. I have changed without understanding. Every thing that happens in our lives, changes us in a way or another. And lately, there has been a lot in my life. A friend of mine was telling me that his mother had a stroke and he was really touched and loaded with a lot of emotions about that. I feel for him and I do understand but, I just made a comment "it is his first time on these problems". I was probably rude to say that but I know that when I was going through my mom's first heart intervention, I was like him. Scared, emotional, thinking about how fragile life is. 3 years later, lots of hospitals and visits at doctors, I see these with less emotions and more on the practical side. So I think it is just Darwin's law. Nobody to be blamed or rewarded.