Values by age

Story 1:
A close to 40 years old virgin girl, finally found the man of her dreams and the love of her life. They got married and the next thing in order was "make love all night long". Except that it wasn't as easy as they thought. The girl was in a lot of pain and couldn't let the guy get any closer. So they went to the doctor and after talking with him, they decided to have a "chirurgical intervention" which made lovemaking easier and enjoyable.

Story 2:
A virgin girl in her late 30-is, met a guy that she fell in love with all her heart. One small problem was that the guy didn't know she was virgin and she didn't want him to think that she had never been with a man before. So, she calls over a guy she knew, explains to him what she was worried and asked him to help her. The guy helped.

These are true stories. As a girl that has lost virginity relatively late myself, it made me wonder, what was considered, Early, On time, Late and Too late on this regard?

(The Loss Of Virginity Aka The Awakening Of Spring- by Paul Gauguin)

I hear girls 15 years old are having children now. That means that virginity is lost a little earlier. On the other side, I know that a lot of mothers/fathers will be completely in raged if their 15 year old daughter is having sex. So, I gather, at around 15 years old, girls start to feel the desire to be with boys. Some want to hang out, some want to be hanged in other ways. Considering that puberty is also in early stages at 15, I am thinking that is pretty safe to say that "having sex at 15 is Very Early".

Between 15 and 19 (at least in Canada), a girl will finish the high school, pass driving test exams, have her first legal alcoholic drink in public, go on all the places where IDs are required for under 18, hear about different sex experiences from her friends or friends of friends, have first kiss (or not!) and probably will know a guy that she would like to have as boyfriend. Some will be busy solving dilemmas about their future studies, universities, colleges, carriers. Some others, will have more time in their hands and that will get them into thinking more about having a boyfriend. In both cases, the self confidence is growing and the belief that they are able to make the right choice for themselves is very high. Some think that the right choice is to have a boyfriend but not sex. Some other think that the right choice is to have a lot of sex and no boyfriend. The anatomy has reached a level where curves are visible and desirable. So, I would say that by 19 years old, having sex is between "Early and On Time". If a girl thinks is Early, she either thinks that sex is something valuable and would be done for first time with someone special (when she meets him), OR, she really thinks that it is Early and in a way she is scared to lose her virginity.

Between 19 and 25 career is somehow on tracks, biological growth is finished, any quick plastic intervention is taken care of, guys are not "mysterious" anymore because everyone knows what they want and how they function, any legal restriction for under age is removed, some friends are married and with kid(s), interesting guys have been for sure in the picture, the desire to change the World is fading out and the pure selfish ego is shaping up for good. After all the frustration that girls have to go through in schools, during menstrual periods, being compared with other skinny girls or loosing guys they love from other "Early" girls, would be pretty tough to keep thinking that sex is a special thing that must be done with that special guy that you hope will meet one day. So, I think that this age is "On Time" to start having sex and have a lot of it.

Between 25 and 35, the sexual orientation should be well known so any experiment should have been taken care of. The desire for a partner is not a discussion anymore, is a necessity and all the paths should have been walked to figure out how to meet that special someone. Guys are met and the art of breakup must have been mastered in both directions. If no sex has happend, I would think that what at 19 was considered a virtue, now is taking the shape of a monument, and value is being put into it. Nothing wrong into thinking that somethings should be kept special and valuable, but on the other side, the question is "For whom?". At 35, there should be no guy that we should consider so special and worth it to limit ourselves from having sex for him. So I would say, that at this time, we have reached the "Late" stage.

After 35 I guess is the "Very late" case and there is not much need to talk about it. A guy still will consider a virgin girl as "a special perl" but will also start to doubt the reasons. It will take a very special relation, time spent together and same way of thinking, to understand the value of believing on One Love, on A Special Person, on Self Preservation as a virtue. All this can happen, but it will make a relationship more complicated and will require more explanations. I guess that's why the girl on Story 2 just solved it differently. I find that amusing.



All this was about virginity, but I guess works even for other things we consider "valuable" at some point and then "a bottle neck" at another point. A virtue has it's peek and it's low value depending on our age, our desires, our outlook for the future and our interests. It's important to have an expensive virtue at the time when it's in high demand, but need to work around it on times when it's not working anymore for us. A virtue should only be benefitial. Benefitial to us and only us. None is worth it limitations to our life.

S-M, H-V

When we complete a personal form, on the question "Your marital status", the options are M for married and S for Single. We check one of them and we become statistic.
Singles probably feel bad when they check S. They might think "Here we go again! Another place to remind me that I still haven't got married, like there are no others that do that every chance they have!" Their big goal is to happily check M on their next form. (Don't miss to read "happily" here)
Married people probably sigh when they check M. "Yes, I am married. So what?" Their big goal is to be happy, and sometimes that is not something they find at home.Sometimes they wish they could check S again.
It happends to me too. Often I find myself thinking that being single is a good thing. To be perfectly correct, the perfect status would be "In love", but that is not in any registration form..or maybe only at the eHarmony form. I see singles like Edward sees Bella at the Twiglight. He is defined, he knows what to check on a registration form. Vampire (V). She can be Human (H) or become Vampire(V). She has options.
By deciding one over the other, by chosing from the options, all we do is limit ourselves. By becoming M, we limit ourselves from new options, from new experiences, from new lessons, from new adventures, from new connections. A single would say that new options, lessons, experiences and connections come when you become M. I don't disagree with that, but only for a short time. After 1year, 2 years of being a M, no more new options are visible, the new lessons are nerve racking, the new experiences are cause for arguing and new connections are only when children change school.
I guess it depends on the people and their point of view on life. Some people are happy to be M in all the ways and shapes of it. Some people find it very hard to be M and kick it away when opportunity gets close. Some other people, give to M more than one chance. Some people, just wish they could check S again and never see M anymore.
Is it better M or S? I just can say that there days that I wish I was S. Days like when I meet new intresting people and would like to spend more time with them rather than run for the swimming lessons. Days when I feel like the maid of the house and then also like an entertainer. Days when I have to keep an eye on the kid playing outside and I think that I am wasting time talking with my neighbour (nothing wrong with them tho') rather than having fun on my own.
And then I hear S people feeling lonely, feeling they have no one to share their days with, no one to enjoy their experiences with. And I change my mind into thinking that M is maybe better.
And I realize that I can't solve the question that is never happily solved before. Having a partner is very good, being M is too much, being S is too little.

My solution for Middle East

Last Saturday, driving around the city, we happend to face a restaurant that looked nice, smelled nice and had a patio. So we decided to stop and check it out. The name "Paramount" didn't tell much on what kind of food to expect but it smelled like BBQ. Parked and got in. The clients were a mix of people dressed in North American style and some dressed in Middle East style. So I am thinking they were somewhere from Jordan, Syria or Lebanon but I might be wrong. In any case, the thing I thought of was " How does it work to get food here?" because everyone seemed to be lined up on 2 counters with some yellow sheets on their hands, some people were moving from outdor to indor and vice versa, tables had some menues stuck on some standing clips and there was no hostes to give any direction on tables. Waiters moving around were about 6 that I could see. 2 guys that were dressed like they were going out on Saturday night to a club, 2 other very young guys that were in uniform letting me know that they had absolutly no power there and could do from waiting to cleaning the floor, and there were also 2 girls with a perfect makeup that seemed concern to keep an eye on the guys that were comming around. This was what I thought but my husband's first words was "Can we go somewhere else?" I guess the women that had their hair covered, scared him but I insited to stay and give it a chance. We took a table outside. Managed to get a waiter to explain us how it works. He said that we should go inside and order there, at the counter. So we go inside and we noticed that there were 3 counters. Changed mind and decided to sit inside. Started with the first counter where I noticed people were ordering food with yellow sheets. So I assumed I was at the right spot. Nope! That was the spot to order Manakeesh and desserts only. For drinks was a spot on the right of it and for food was the counter on the opposite side of the first counter. The counter in the middle was to pay! Puzzle solved but at that point I was really frustrated and my husband couldn't be more ready to run away. I still wanted to give it a chance and also to tell my husband that he should not be so american like. So with this anger inside, I lined up at the right counter and was waiting for someone to come and ask me what do I want to order. Nope! There was a girl there, but she was busy as I said to keep her makeup perfect and to look at the tables with guys. So I took the courage and asked "Is it here where I order?" And yes, off course, the girl took a yellow sheet and started marking with numbers the dishes I wanted. YES! I got a yellow sheet! So now we had to wait for the waiters to bring the food on our table. Table 5! While waiting, my daughter noticed that some kids had some coloring sheets and she was asking me to get one for her. I had no idea at what counter I could ask for one, so I just went and asked the mother (not the father) of one of the kids that were drawing. She told me that the girl at the counter were you pay has those. Went there and the girl pulled up a sheet and 2 crayons. It felt like she gave us something from her own house. Back to table 5, waiting, I started now looking around as a person that has nothing to do. There are 2 entrances to that place, one from the back door and one from the front patio. The front patio door had 2 sides to enter but one was blocked and had a sign saying to use the other side. Not sure why? Was completly clear to use that door and would have helped the traffic. Most of the clients were families, with kids. Loud, screaming kids. Why did those kids were constantly screaming so much that we were turning heads in surprise to see what could have possibly happen to create that scream? Nothing much really...just usual kid not getting what is asking for. Families where women had covered their hair, were more quiet because moms were close to kids and fathers were giving annoying looks to moms when kids were complaining. It was not extremly busy but people were all wondering around like we did until we got the yellow sheet. They all had good intentions and nobody was trying to create any problem. They were out with their families to eat some good food, but only very confused by the way that place was running. Waiters seemed annoyed and I totally agree with them. Clients were all over their territory and there was not much room for them to move around with dishes in their arms. The patio outside was very nice but there were no omrellas. Why? Not everyone can deal with heat and direct Sun burning !! There was no system to keep children quiet becasue the drawing sheets were at the counter were you go to pay, not to order. Who asks for drawing sheets when they pay? To make things worst, the girl at that counter was Chinese. Let me say it again. The girl behind the counter where you pay is Chinese!! So after a very messy Middle East experience, you get to deal with a Chinese girl on solving out the yellow sheets from different counters where you have requested food or drink or dessert.

In general, the place was clean and nicely decorated. There was a very good selection of baklava and kadaif there that I had a hard time resisting. The food was very good too and in good portions.

So, all I could think was " They need very little to be very good!" I was thinking that probably this is how restaurants run in their country as well. And if restaurants run like that, then maybe a whole lot of other places, function just like that. People are used to function like that.

And while I was putting our left over food on a container that I was able to get from the first counter, I came up with some suggestions for the peace on Middle East. Here we go.

1. Create a system and process.

It would help to have 1 counter were you go and order all you want and then pay. But if you have to have 4 counters, it would be great to let people sit and the waiter to take orders from the table. A lot of hectic traffice, confusion, irritation and anger would be avoided. Such a small thing!

2. Create a hosting system.

If only someone would have stayed at the entrance and answer all the questions on how the place runs!! People would all be lined up at the first counter and then at the second on the other side of the restaurant and then at the third beside. It is already crazy that you have 4 counters with 4 different confusing objectives!

3. Create conditions for people to be busy but focused

Give to kids drawing sheets at the entry point would save a lot of noise, scream and parental annoyance. I was busy to figure out how that place was running, but I was creating a lot of problem to waiters that were moving around and to other clients that were confused like me. Have a menu for drinks and then while waiting for drinks, get people to be busy reading the food menu. After the food menu, bring the dessert menu. I would have bought desserts if I had a menu. But like that, I was too tired to stay in line at the secound counter and order desserts that I had no idea how to order (in pieces or on grams?). Also, just adding a couple of ombrellas outside, would keep people busy exploring the road and find problems with the business on the other side of the street rather than look at what you do wrong inside.

4. Do not add China in the mix

Middle East already has its own way of thinking and dealing with things. I am trying here to give suggestion to make them better. But, if you add there China, things are out of control. How do you expect me to deal with the Chinese girl that can't even pronounce Falafel properly, forget baklava!! I understand that China is powerful and is good to be on your side, but just keep them behind scenes. You can have Chinese girls working in the kitchen after some training, or prepare drinks, or clean around. Don't put China on public relation roles

5. Keep doing what you do well

Food was good, place was kept clean, people were dressed nice, even those that had covered the hair. I would probably give another chance now that I know how it works, but I am worried that my husband won't.

Weird

For the last 6 months, they drove me nuts, they made me angry, they put me in trouble, they killed my patience, they ruined my personal time and they left today.

It is so weird! I already miss them. The house feels empty! I miss them taking care of the back and front yard, making sure no dirty dishes were in the sink, taking care of the laundry, silly questions, trying to win my daughter's attention, asking what channel is the movie I'm watching, listing the people I have to call, telling me about the people they called during the morning, kissing my head at 10 pm before going upstairs to take the medicine and sleep.

I guess this is "Family in nutshell".

I feel fat

I feel fat in my head. Instead of fat, I have so many things in it that make me move slow. Usually, I think fast and I am one or two steps ahead on the path to the final thought. I can switch my brain from one conversation to another quickly without losing the flow on either. But I guess there is a point where enough is enough. It gets to a point where I start having headaches, must continue to keep 3-4 conversations in the same time and put full attention to each, hear how someone is not happy because small details might be missing from the big picture in that conversation, notice how none cares that I am dealing in the same time with 3 different issues, in some cases asked to constantly translate meaningless talk, trying to find a second to think about my own issues ...and then.. I raise my voice. All goes down in trash... everything is forgotten and I am called "screamer". Everything I did so far is lost and now everyone begins to tell me how little tolerant I am, how quickly I get angry and how I scream for everything.


I am raised with the strong order that "Dirty clothes are washed in house". Until late, I didn't know that you can actually complain about family to others. But now I am way past that. I know I can complain and I know that I can find a lot others that are in the same situation like me. I can find people that can actually give me tips on what to do, because they have experience in these things. So, against what I am raised like, I am now complaining. Is it right? Do I even care if it is wrong? Am I like a teenager that feels like parents do not understand her/him so must call a tele-line where someone that is paid to stay behind a phone, listens to them and gives them reasons to live another day with the hope that things will get better. Is just that in my case, I get my friend to listen on the other side of the phone and she does not get paid for that. So, I am creating the snow-ball effect here. Someone gets me to a point where I can't handle it any longer, and then I get my friend to a point where she can't hear me any longer. She probably talks to another friend on how much I complain...and so the World is miserable.
Noooo....this is not what I want to do to the World. I want it to be a nice place, a happy place. I want back my skinny brain. I don't want to have a fat brain that absorbs, thinks, listens, hurts and then when can't move to bathroom, poops right there, right where is sitting and will stay. I don't want my brain to keep getting fat and stay in the same shit that comes out of all this fat.

So the options should be
1- I ignore everyone around me that drives me nuts and maybe they will distance from me
2- If I feel like screaming, I should put on my running shoes and go out
3- Don't care so much that everyone around me is happy and comfortable. Let them be as they deserve to be
4- Accept that it is hard to teach new tricks to an old dog

And maybe like this, I will lose brain fat!

Will I? Can I ? Should I? Will I hurt someone?

See... I can't move quickly...too fa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-at

Time to dump my brain

Long time... so many things to say ... so many things done..so many things to forget...so many things to hold onto....so many things looking forward to.... do many things comming my way that I wish I could change their path ... one picture that has taken my breath away for a second or two...



I have been worried, I have been sad, I have been lazy, I have worked hard and sweat, I cried once and I have laughed more than once. I have felt a victim and then I have felt lucky. In short, I have lived my life. The song I have in mind tonight is



Things I have learned:
Family is there to push you. Sometimes in the direction you want to go, sometimes against you. At the end, family will continue to be family, doesn't matter what direction you take.
Friends are required. Good friends are mandatory. It doesn't matter that they might leave to follow their path. All the time and mental work that you invest on a good friend, it is worth it. But it is very important to make sure you pick a good friend to invest to.
Money comes and goes. You can feel like you touched the bottom and then you can breathe again and enjoy the spring while listening a good song. System is there to get money from you and you are there to go against the system, as much as you can.
Health is important and takes priority when is not good. Doctors today can make an old woman feel like a young bride, unless there is something they haven't found the cure for. I respect the medical technology, but I see with sadness that nurses have become robots and compassion is long gone.
We are surrounded by people that feel about us in ways we do not know, feelings and opinions we are not aware off and sometimes we can assume wrong.
A child's education is not a part time job. It must be everyday, with the same intensity or their brain will start "drinking" the wrong juice
Time never stops
Love has so many shapes and forms and I want them all
I wish I could understand more languages

And after all these, now that I am smarter (yeah right!!), I want to live more but I am not scared to stop here.

"Non sempre chi si ferma è perduto: alle volte è semplicemente arrivato.
- Alessandro Bergonzoni"

Good luck and Good night!

Should I ?

Since the begining of November, I have my parents staying with us, in our house. I am thinking to keep them around me,take care and keep an eye on them now that life is getting challenging for them. On the other side, they are getting to spend some time with their grand-daughter. Not that my daughter is attached to them but they bring a different feeling to her, the sense of grand-parents, someone not too young to run around, not too up to speed with technology and internet, not too fast to learn new things but they love her and they offer a warm, soft and tender ambient in the house for her.
So far it is sort of working becasue everyone was prepared to live together and tolerate each-other. My parents are learning how do you live in a canadian house. My daughter is learning to accept more people around. My husband is learning to share me with them.
I am learning to breathe deeper and become more patient.
What I have noticed is that my parents have lived a very simple life...all their life. It is simple in the way they dress up, the way they cook, the way they spend, the way they communicate, the way they take a news...it is simple and plain in all directions.
Not that I have a complicated, complex and extremly busy life, but I try to take as much as I can from every day of my life. When I compare myself with them, I feel pity for my parents.
I feel pity because they do not know how many kind of kitchens are out there, how many ways to cook a chicken, how many tastes you can get from a baking dish comming out of the oven, how many spices you can use with ground beef, how many drinks and mixes can be made, how many kind of nuts are there to use.
I feel pity becasue they do not understand English, becasue was not allowed to be taught when they were young, becasue they are not able to communicate with my daughter and then they get into missunderstandings, becasue they can't watch TV shows that need a more complex vocabulary than what you need to understand a soccer game, becasue they are not able to make friends with people of their age that hang around the park where they go for a walk every day
I feel pity becasue they never had a car and they do not know how to drive one, they are dependend on us to take them to places where they can go and enjoy while we are busy working to pay bills.
I feel pity when I see how a new piece of clothe is taken care of, how nothing gets thrown away, how old things get mendet before the consideration to buy a new one is on table.
I feel pity because there are so many things in the life that they do not even know they exist, they do not even imagine they can touch them, they do not even think they can get there.

Some people say that you are happy until you know that there is something more or better than what you have. Some people say that we all live in boxes and if we find out that the life outside our box is more exciting, we will not be happy and will make our box look miserable.
Should I keep my parents in the box they are? Should I keep them thinking that what they live is all life can offer? Should I go through the trouble to teach my parents internet, facebook, English, driving, cooking differently? Should I .... ?
















Maybe I will make them feel miserable about what they have lived until now, maybe I will make them feel pity of their lives, maybe I will take away from them the joy they feel when I make something for them. Maybe, trying to make their lives more meaningful, colorful, busy and upgraded, I will bring sorrow and pain to them.

What should I do?