Long distance family

Last week I was invited on Facebook by my cousin on her wedding. Today a friend of mine told me that my cousin he meet on Facebook told him that my uncle has passed away 2 days ago. I called my home and my dad confirmed, the funeral was done.
Being so far from home, I thought I miss the good times like weddings or my cousins getting together on a week-long trip at the sea-side. I so wanted to be there and have fun with them, dance, sing, drink ..all the things that people do on weddings and girls-only-trips.
But today I was reminded that I am missing also the sad days, like funerals. Three years ago my aunt changed life. Hearing that she passed away for sure was a bad news. I was sad and I did try to be as close as I could to my mom on the phone. But being so far, not meeting her regularly, not being close to what she was doing and how she was feeling lately, I did not suffer as much. She can very well be still alive for what I am concerned. I didn't see her laying on a tomb, I do not miss calling someone, I do not remember on what day she passed away. Not long after her, her husband passed away as well. I felt the same. I have the feeling it will be same with my uncle. I am sad he is gone, I am sad to hear that today was his funeral and I didn't even know, I am sad to know that his daughter that lives not far from me arrived late and didn't make it to be in the funeral, I am sad to know that my dad lost a brother. Both my uncle and my aunt are people that are (eventhough in small portions) somehow responsible for who I am today. They have been very close to me when I was a child. They have given me moments that only uncles and aunts can give. My aunt used to always have a chocolate for me. My uncle used to always make beach sandals every summer when I went on vacation. He used to make nail polish too, with some weird liquids he always had on his desk at work. My aunt always used to visit me at the summer kids camp and take me out for a good lunch. Her husband had a motorbike and he used to take me for rides.
I am sad. I am scared. I am worried. I feel I am becoming a "cold North American" person. I feel this kind of life is sucking me and my energy. I am loosing reality of who is alive. I am becoming a movie character for my family and they are for me the people that know all about me without questions. I used to be part of them. Now I have become a Moon, goes around them but stays far from them. I am not part of their bad days but we talk on the phone. I am not part of their good days but I see the pictures from those days. And I am not on those pictures.