Don't cry on the mirror

When I gave birth to my daughter, just when I arrived home from hospital, a friend of mine called. She heard about the baby and called to congratulate. She was mother of 2 at that time, so she had a lot to tell me. And during the conversation, between two girl friends, we were talking about the birth, the pain and ultimately, how much our vagina is open to get the baby out, and, ultimately, how the doctors try to tell you ate the end how many stitches they used to "repair" the damage. She said : Don't see yourself until you are healed and you don't have any pain. I made the mistake to see myself with a mirror and I regret it. It was black, like someone had punch me hard, many times. I still have nightmares if I think of it.
For some reasons, this just stayed in my head and I resisted the temptation to use a mirror and see myself. But, every time I hear of someone just giving birth, I remember this conversation.
Lately, I have a desire to cry. Is more of a necessity than just desire. It is my way of getting out all the anger, the suspense, the fight with the unknown, the need for hope and other related feelings. Usually, I do not cry. I keep strong, I ignore cry and I focus on what must be done. But then I reach a point when there is too much inside me and I have to cry. If I can't get a good cry by all the things around me, I just find a movie to watch. Movies make me cry, I admit it. Stories where people love each-other, where people sacrifice for each-other, where kids get their dreams come true, where sickness is healed, where death is something that connects people more, where humanity gets to use their hearts. Yes, I cry. And that would be just the right thing to get me crying. I would go somewhere where nobody can see me and cry until I feel good.
Yesterday, I was crying in the washroom and then I wanted to wash my face. I caught myself crying in the mirror. It was horrible. I wish I didn't. Not just seeing my face all swollen up and my eyes red. It was the idea that I saw myself "down". I saw myself lost, without hope, I felt like failure and not able. Reminded me the vagina story.

I think this would be my nightmare.
P.S. Don't worry, I'm not gonna cut my wrist!!!