A flower in snow

I read somewhere this: How fleeting love is, how long - oblivion!
Something went "knock-knock" inside me and I just had to write. Was a delicate, fragile and very fine feeling that I thought only poetry can handle it with the care it needs.

Warming up
Here I go
with a small poetry
I am not good with rhymes
So be gentle with me

Longing and you

To forget you
I had to do it on my own
I had to re-dream without you
Avoid being alone

I knew where you were
A quick ride would take me there
But puzzled you would ask me
“What are you doing here?!”

You didn’t know I needed you
I couldn't tell how I wanted you
Inside me longing was flourishing
I could only admit that I missed you

You had conquested my mind and memory
For myself I had to erect a small cage
Everyone but you was in there
Was crowdy and noisy, but I felt safe

The cage will maybe feel bigger
While slowly everybody will get older
But You, keep running in my memory,
it’s beautiful
I do not really want this to be over

K.

Am I scary?

In the last year and a half, I have lost 3 friends for un-known/un-explained reasons.

1- Old special friend that couldn't be a lot in touch but friends in Facebook and once in a while phone calls. All of a sudden, I noticed I wasn't his friend anymore on Facebook and even though I sent a message to see if that was by mistake, I did not get answer back. That means that, he really un-friended me from Facebook.

2-A new friend. Very unique person on the way he thinks and interprets the World around. We were friends for some months, very open, transparent, there was no need to lie or pretend to be someone else. All of a sudden, he didn't want to be friend with me anymore and now, when we see each-other, we salute a very cold "Hi".

3-An ex-boyfriend. We had lost touch for years and finally found each-other on Facebook. Wrote back and forth for a while. Had invitations to visit his city and be treated like a princess. Off course I didn't accept it because was not the right time in my life to do that. One day, I noticed he had un-friended me.

Is it me? Why do I see these guys erasing my name from their list of friends and hear nothing back?
Don't you think is only fair to at least provide some feedback to me, so I can see where my problem is and improve?
If they think I am not worth it the friendship, is this the way you break-up with friends now? You just stop talking, writing, calling and the other person is supposed to understand why all this?
Or is it that I am sort of boring and there is nothing interesting coming from me to spice their desire to stay in touch with me?
Am I too cold or too bubbly? Am I too silly or too rigid? Am I too superficial or too deep?

Or maybe has nothing to do with me...is just they need less noise in their lives.


I have the feeling, someone else is about to do the same thing soon. Should I ask him now, before he disappears and leaves me without a way to get an answer?

Don't know and can't explain. All I can ask is: Feedback please and Thank you!

Values by age

Story 1:
A close to 40 years old virgin girl, finally found the man of her dreams and the love of her life. They got married and the next thing in order was "make love all night long". Except that it wasn't as easy as they thought. The girl was in a lot of pain and couldn't let the guy get any closer. So they went to the doctor and after talking with him, they decided to have a "chirurgical intervention" which made lovemaking easier and enjoyable.

Story 2:
A virgin girl in her late 30-is, met a guy that she fell in love with all her heart. One small problem was that the guy didn't know she was virgin and she didn't want him to think that she had never been with a man before. So, she calls over a guy she knew, explains to him what she was worried and asked him to help her. The guy helped.

These are true stories. As a girl that has lost virginity relatively late myself, it made me wonder, what was considered, Early, On time, Late and Too late on this regard?

(The Loss Of Virginity Aka The Awakening Of Spring- by Paul Gauguin)

I hear girls 15 years old are having children now. That means that virginity is lost a little earlier. On the other side, I know that a lot of mothers/fathers will be completely in raged if their 15 year old daughter is having sex. So, I gather, at around 15 years old, girls start to feel the desire to be with boys. Some want to hang out, some want to be hanged in other ways. Considering that puberty is also in early stages at 15, I am thinking that is pretty safe to say that "having sex at 15 is Very Early".

Between 15 and 19 (at least in Canada), a girl will finish the high school, pass driving test exams, have her first legal alcoholic drink in public, go on all the places where IDs are required for under 18, hear about different sex experiences from her friends or friends of friends, have first kiss (or not!) and probably will know a guy that she would like to have as boyfriend. Some will be busy solving dilemmas about their future studies, universities, colleges, carriers. Some others, will have more time in their hands and that will get them into thinking more about having a boyfriend. In both cases, the self confidence is growing and the belief that they are able to make the right choice for themselves is very high. Some think that the right choice is to have a boyfriend but not sex. Some other think that the right choice is to have a lot of sex and no boyfriend. The anatomy has reached a level where curves are visible and desirable. So, I would say that by 19 years old, having sex is between "Early and On Time". If a girl thinks is Early, she either thinks that sex is something valuable and would be done for first time with someone special (when she meets him), OR, she really thinks that it is Early and in a way she is scared to lose her virginity.

Between 19 and 25 career is somehow on tracks, biological growth is finished, any quick plastic intervention is taken care of, guys are not "mysterious" anymore because everyone knows what they want and how they function, any legal restriction for under age is removed, some friends are married and with kid(s), interesting guys have been for sure in the picture, the desire to change the World is fading out and the pure selfish ego is shaping up for good. After all the frustration that girls have to go through in schools, during menstrual periods, being compared with other skinny girls or loosing guys they love from other "Early" girls, would be pretty tough to keep thinking that sex is a special thing that must be done with that special guy that you hope will meet one day. So, I think that this age is "On Time" to start having sex and have a lot of it.

Between 25 and 35, the sexual orientation should be well known so any experiment should have been taken care of. The desire for a partner is not a discussion anymore, is a necessity and all the paths should have been walked to figure out how to meet that special someone. Guys are met and the art of breakup must have been mastered in both directions. If no sex has happend, I would think that what at 19 was considered a virtue, now is taking the shape of a monument, and value is being put into it. Nothing wrong into thinking that somethings should be kept special and valuable, but on the other side, the question is "For whom?". At 35, there should be no guy that we should consider so special and worth it to limit ourselves from having sex for him. So I would say, that at this time, we have reached the "Late" stage.

After 35 I guess is the "Very late" case and there is not much need to talk about it. A guy still will consider a virgin girl as "a special perl" but will also start to doubt the reasons. It will take a very special relation, time spent together and same way of thinking, to understand the value of believing on One Love, on A Special Person, on Self Preservation as a virtue. All this can happen, but it will make a relationship more complicated and will require more explanations. I guess that's why the girl on Story 2 just solved it differently. I find that amusing.



All this was about virginity, but I guess works even for other things we consider "valuable" at some point and then "a bottle neck" at another point. A virtue has it's peek and it's low value depending on our age, our desires, our outlook for the future and our interests. It's important to have an expensive virtue at the time when it's in high demand, but need to work around it on times when it's not working anymore for us. A virtue should only be benefitial. Benefitial to us and only us. None is worth it limitations to our life.

S-M, H-V

When we complete a personal form, on the question "Your marital status", the options are M for married and S for Single. We check one of them and we become statistic.
Singles probably feel bad when they check S. They might think "Here we go again! Another place to remind me that I still haven't got married, like there are no others that do that every chance they have!" Their big goal is to happily check M on their next form. (Don't miss to read "happily" here)
Married people probably sigh when they check M. "Yes, I am married. So what?" Their big goal is to be happy, and sometimes that is not something they find at home.Sometimes they wish they could check S again.
It happends to me too. Often I find myself thinking that being single is a good thing. To be perfectly correct, the perfect status would be "In love", but that is not in any registration form..or maybe only at the eHarmony form. I see singles like Edward sees Bella at the Twiglight. He is defined, he knows what to check on a registration form. Vampire (V). She can be Human (H) or become Vampire(V). She has options.
By deciding one over the other, by chosing from the options, all we do is limit ourselves. By becoming M, we limit ourselves from new options, from new experiences, from new lessons, from new adventures, from new connections. A single would say that new options, lessons, experiences and connections come when you become M. I don't disagree with that, but only for a short time. After 1year, 2 years of being a M, no more new options are visible, the new lessons are nerve racking, the new experiences are cause for arguing and new connections are only when children change school.
I guess it depends on the people and their point of view on life. Some people are happy to be M in all the ways and shapes of it. Some people find it very hard to be M and kick it away when opportunity gets close. Some other people, give to M more than one chance. Some people, just wish they could check S again and never see M anymore.
Is it better M or S? I just can say that there days that I wish I was S. Days like when I meet new intresting people and would like to spend more time with them rather than run for the swimming lessons. Days when I feel like the maid of the house and then also like an entertainer. Days when I have to keep an eye on the kid playing outside and I think that I am wasting time talking with my neighbour (nothing wrong with them tho') rather than having fun on my own.
And then I hear S people feeling lonely, feeling they have no one to share their days with, no one to enjoy their experiences with. And I change my mind into thinking that M is maybe better.
And I realize that I can't solve the question that is never happily solved before. Having a partner is very good, being M is too much, being S is too little.

My solution for Middle East

Last Saturday, driving around the city, we happend to face a restaurant that looked nice, smelled nice and had a patio. So we decided to stop and check it out. The name "Paramount" didn't tell much on what kind of food to expect but it smelled like BBQ. Parked and got in. The clients were a mix of people dressed in North American style and some dressed in Middle East style. So I am thinking they were somewhere from Jordan, Syria or Lebanon but I might be wrong. In any case, the thing I thought of was " How does it work to get food here?" because everyone seemed to be lined up on 2 counters with some yellow sheets on their hands, some people were moving from outdor to indor and vice versa, tables had some menues stuck on some standing clips and there was no hostes to give any direction on tables. Waiters moving around were about 6 that I could see. 2 guys that were dressed like they were going out on Saturday night to a club, 2 other very young guys that were in uniform letting me know that they had absolutly no power there and could do from waiting to cleaning the floor, and there were also 2 girls with a perfect makeup that seemed concern to keep an eye on the guys that were comming around. This was what I thought but my husband's first words was "Can we go somewhere else?" I guess the women that had their hair covered, scared him but I insited to stay and give it a chance. We took a table outside. Managed to get a waiter to explain us how it works. He said that we should go inside and order there, at the counter. So we go inside and we noticed that there were 3 counters. Changed mind and decided to sit inside. Started with the first counter where I noticed people were ordering food with yellow sheets. So I assumed I was at the right spot. Nope! That was the spot to order Manakeesh and desserts only. For drinks was a spot on the right of it and for food was the counter on the opposite side of the first counter. The counter in the middle was to pay! Puzzle solved but at that point I was really frustrated and my husband couldn't be more ready to run away. I still wanted to give it a chance and also to tell my husband that he should not be so american like. So with this anger inside, I lined up at the right counter and was waiting for someone to come and ask me what do I want to order. Nope! There was a girl there, but she was busy as I said to keep her makeup perfect and to look at the tables with guys. So I took the courage and asked "Is it here where I order?" And yes, off course, the girl took a yellow sheet and started marking with numbers the dishes I wanted. YES! I got a yellow sheet! So now we had to wait for the waiters to bring the food on our table. Table 5! While waiting, my daughter noticed that some kids had some coloring sheets and she was asking me to get one for her. I had no idea at what counter I could ask for one, so I just went and asked the mother (not the father) of one of the kids that were drawing. She told me that the girl at the counter were you pay has those. Went there and the girl pulled up a sheet and 2 crayons. It felt like she gave us something from her own house. Back to table 5, waiting, I started now looking around as a person that has nothing to do. There are 2 entrances to that place, one from the back door and one from the front patio. The front patio door had 2 sides to enter but one was blocked and had a sign saying to use the other side. Not sure why? Was completly clear to use that door and would have helped the traffic. Most of the clients were families, with kids. Loud, screaming kids. Why did those kids were constantly screaming so much that we were turning heads in surprise to see what could have possibly happen to create that scream? Nothing much really...just usual kid not getting what is asking for. Families where women had covered their hair, were more quiet because moms were close to kids and fathers were giving annoying looks to moms when kids were complaining. It was not extremly busy but people were all wondering around like we did until we got the yellow sheet. They all had good intentions and nobody was trying to create any problem. They were out with their families to eat some good food, but only very confused by the way that place was running. Waiters seemed annoyed and I totally agree with them. Clients were all over their territory and there was not much room for them to move around with dishes in their arms. The patio outside was very nice but there were no omrellas. Why? Not everyone can deal with heat and direct Sun burning !! There was no system to keep children quiet becasue the drawing sheets were at the counter were you go to pay, not to order. Who asks for drawing sheets when they pay? To make things worst, the girl at that counter was Chinese. Let me say it again. The girl behind the counter where you pay is Chinese!! So after a very messy Middle East experience, you get to deal with a Chinese girl on solving out the yellow sheets from different counters where you have requested food or drink or dessert.

In general, the place was clean and nicely decorated. There was a very good selection of baklava and kadaif there that I had a hard time resisting. The food was very good too and in good portions.

So, all I could think was " They need very little to be very good!" I was thinking that probably this is how restaurants run in their country as well. And if restaurants run like that, then maybe a whole lot of other places, function just like that. People are used to function like that.

And while I was putting our left over food on a container that I was able to get from the first counter, I came up with some suggestions for the peace on Middle East. Here we go.

1. Create a system and process.

It would help to have 1 counter were you go and order all you want and then pay. But if you have to have 4 counters, it would be great to let people sit and the waiter to take orders from the table. A lot of hectic traffice, confusion, irritation and anger would be avoided. Such a small thing!

2. Create a hosting system.

If only someone would have stayed at the entrance and answer all the questions on how the place runs!! People would all be lined up at the first counter and then at the second on the other side of the restaurant and then at the third beside. It is already crazy that you have 4 counters with 4 different confusing objectives!

3. Create conditions for people to be busy but focused

Give to kids drawing sheets at the entry point would save a lot of noise, scream and parental annoyance. I was busy to figure out how that place was running, but I was creating a lot of problem to waiters that were moving around and to other clients that were confused like me. Have a menu for drinks and then while waiting for drinks, get people to be busy reading the food menu. After the food menu, bring the dessert menu. I would have bought desserts if I had a menu. But like that, I was too tired to stay in line at the secound counter and order desserts that I had no idea how to order (in pieces or on grams?). Also, just adding a couple of ombrellas outside, would keep people busy exploring the road and find problems with the business on the other side of the street rather than look at what you do wrong inside.

4. Do not add China in the mix

Middle East already has its own way of thinking and dealing with things. I am trying here to give suggestion to make them better. But, if you add there China, things are out of control. How do you expect me to deal with the Chinese girl that can't even pronounce Falafel properly, forget baklava!! I understand that China is powerful and is good to be on your side, but just keep them behind scenes. You can have Chinese girls working in the kitchen after some training, or prepare drinks, or clean around. Don't put China on public relation roles

5. Keep doing what you do well

Food was good, place was kept clean, people were dressed nice, even those that had covered the hair. I would probably give another chance now that I know how it works, but I am worried that my husband won't.

Weird

For the last 6 months, they drove me nuts, they made me angry, they put me in trouble, they killed my patience, they ruined my personal time and they left today.

It is so weird! I already miss them. The house feels empty! I miss them taking care of the back and front yard, making sure no dirty dishes were in the sink, taking care of the laundry, silly questions, trying to win my daughter's attention, asking what channel is the movie I'm watching, listing the people I have to call, telling me about the people they called during the morning, kissing my head at 10 pm before going upstairs to take the medicine and sleep.

I guess this is "Family in nutshell".

I feel fat

I feel fat in my head. Instead of fat, I have so many things in it that make me move slow. Usually, I think fast and I am one or two steps ahead on the path to the final thought. I can switch my brain from one conversation to another quickly without losing the flow on either. But I guess there is a point where enough is enough. It gets to a point where I start having headaches, must continue to keep 3-4 conversations in the same time and put full attention to each, hear how someone is not happy because small details might be missing from the big picture in that conversation, notice how none cares that I am dealing in the same time with 3 different issues, in some cases asked to constantly translate meaningless talk, trying to find a second to think about my own issues ...and then.. I raise my voice. All goes down in trash... everything is forgotten and I am called "screamer". Everything I did so far is lost and now everyone begins to tell me how little tolerant I am, how quickly I get angry and how I scream for everything.


I am raised with the strong order that "Dirty clothes are washed in house". Until late, I didn't know that you can actually complain about family to others. But now I am way past that. I know I can complain and I know that I can find a lot others that are in the same situation like me. I can find people that can actually give me tips on what to do, because they have experience in these things. So, against what I am raised like, I am now complaining. Is it right? Do I even care if it is wrong? Am I like a teenager that feels like parents do not understand her/him so must call a tele-line where someone that is paid to stay behind a phone, listens to them and gives them reasons to live another day with the hope that things will get better. Is just that in my case, I get my friend to listen on the other side of the phone and she does not get paid for that. So, I am creating the snow-ball effect here. Someone gets me to a point where I can't handle it any longer, and then I get my friend to a point where she can't hear me any longer. She probably talks to another friend on how much I complain...and so the World is miserable.
Noooo....this is not what I want to do to the World. I want it to be a nice place, a happy place. I want back my skinny brain. I don't want to have a fat brain that absorbs, thinks, listens, hurts and then when can't move to bathroom, poops right there, right where is sitting and will stay. I don't want my brain to keep getting fat and stay in the same shit that comes out of all this fat.

So the options should be
1- I ignore everyone around me that drives me nuts and maybe they will distance from me
2- If I feel like screaming, I should put on my running shoes and go out
3- Don't care so much that everyone around me is happy and comfortable. Let them be as they deserve to be
4- Accept that it is hard to teach new tricks to an old dog

And maybe like this, I will lose brain fat!

Will I? Can I ? Should I? Will I hurt someone?

See... I can't move quickly...too fa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-at