A monologue

I was talking one day with a friend of mine and he was telling me about this story at work where one manager fell in love with someone. Both married. At the end, she was fired from the job but her affair was also exposed and put her marriage in trouble. My friend, wanted to imagine how someone can handle a situation like that in a decent way. He was trying to make it look like the reason she had an affair was not related to any problem her husband created, was more of a "crazy moment" when she just felt the pull from someone else. He also tried to stay away from details and was thinking that knowing details was going to make it all worst. So, pretending, I took the position of "the cheater" and he took the position of "the cheated". I wrote this as a monologue of the cheater, where she was trying to explain what and why all that happened. It was really hard to put myself in this and think that he had nothing to do with this, pretend that he was a perfect partner and didn't give any reason in the world for me to be attracted by someone else. I did my best and here it is.

The monologue of a cheater

Ah…you want me to talk and tell about myself? I know you don’t want to know the details and it will be hard for me to talk without any of them “escaping” my mouth.
The relation with him was easy, without questions, without worry for the future. When I got on a relation with you, I have asked myself a lot of question, “Will he be a good father for my children?”, “ Will my family and friends like and accept him?”, “Will I be able to live with him under the same roof all my life?”. With him, I didn’t think of any of these. All was disconnected from everyday problems, the boring routine of the 5 days of the week. I didn’t get with him in arguments over the dirty dishes in the sink, expenses on the bank account, did children eat vegetables and fruits. With him, was just him and my, nothing else and nobody else. I found an emotional source that made me look at the problems with less focus, a reason to leave the house dresses nice, a reason to use the new perfume. It was a very good feeling to see myself, once again, adored, loved, appreciated in a new way. He was making me compliments that I didn’t hear before, made me discover things I didn’t know and nobody before had noticed in me. His attraction was like the one that a book of Gabriel Garcia Marques gives during exam season, when there are 2000 pages of theory to read.
In a certain way, in a mathematic logic, I have cheated both of you. He has seen only the fun, playful, smiley side of me while you, lately, have seen only the worry side of me, the one looking to solve issues. He doesn’t know what I do when the house is a mess, he doesn’t know how many questions I make before I pick the color for the bedroom walls, he doesn’t know what toothpaste I use. You know me well because I used to be fun and playful with you some time ago as well. Maybe there were the everyday discussions and worries that changed us. Maybe we both changed but forgot to tell each-other when we did.
What we have together is very important, because we have been together for so long on good and bad, sick and health, because we have children together..but are we happy together? Sometimes I feel like we are brother and sister. Even thought we still have sex together, the spark is gone. When we come back at home from work and see each-other, we do not have anymore the butterflies in stomach. Sometimes a small discussion lingers for long because we are both tired and without the desire to do the first step and not go to bed angry. Is there a life-long love? Is it fair to ask to love and be in a teenage love relation after being married together for so long? I still feel for you, I care for you but I’m not sure I am still in love with you. I can still continue to live with you, do your laundry and ironing, cook your favorite dishes, kiss you when you get home from work, make love with you all night long, I can do them all. All, if you want to. I would be a liar to say I still love you like before. I saw myself living two different lives at the same time. I had beside me two men that offered something that completed each-other, a very fulfilled life. On one side I had you offering me family, insurance, safety. On the other side was him offering adventure, something new, something un-known. It was something in parallel that made me forget how old I was. I never promised him anything more than that and I never asked him more than that. He will stay in my life just like that. Maybe I will meet him again but, already, something has changed between us. This change might connect me more with you or push me more toward him. This all depends on how will we be able to live together after this. Will you be the man that will look at me with disguise and make me feel guilty all my life, or will you be the man that will make me feel stupid to have an affair with someone and forget what a wonderful person I had on my side. I can only promise that I will do my best to make it work between us and consider this a wake up call that woke us from the sleep we had fallen to.

1973 was just the start

My birthday just passed, for the 37th time. Sometimes is a bit sad, like this song of Blunt.



The most beautiful message I received was "You are more beautiful inside and out than from the first day I met you" ... ironically was not from my husband :)) Got 100 messages from 100 people wishing me to become 100 years older. Could have been more, I missed some.
The last message was "Hope you feel realized". All I can do is try to achieve more and more from what I would like to realize. Happy Birthday to me!!

Ask for the real car

One Saturday night, I was riding back home after spending some hours with the girls and I heard on the radio this debate about countries in Africa and what is good for them. One of the guys, was African. His accent was very clear. He told this African story that I really liked.

A man gave blood and as a thank you, they gave him a car. He was very happy and called his friends and told about the car. After a while, he went and gave blood again and they gave him a bigger car. He called his friend again and happily told him. Third time he gave blood, he got a huge car. Excited he told his friend again. One day, his son was sick and he called his friend " Can you come and drive my son to hospital with your car?" His friend, surprised replied "Don't you have 3 big cars?". He forgot to tell his friend that the cars they were giving him were toy cars.

So, the guy in the radio show, said that Africa is like this man that has given blood and has been payed with toy cars. It is time for Africa to ask for "real cars". Countried like UK, France, Holland, USA are just taking Africa's blood and are not helping to make things better. Africa is still far from being prosper. He said that China was the only friend Africa has right now. China and Brasil are countries that have been in the same situation and are telling the truth to Africa. They are the friends that Africa should be listening to and take as example. The others are just paying africa with "toy cars".

I was thinking for a second how would Africa and Africans be if they are put in China and must work/behave like Chinese. I can't imagine it for the life of me. A typical African man and a typical Chinese man, are quite different. Maybe Chinese are example for Africa, but I believe the circumstances of China and Africa make a whole difference in how a standard is executed when considering the differences. Anyway, I don't think I have all the historical/geographical/financial and political knowledge to support my theory here, so I will not go any further.

All I want to remember is "Ask for the real car!"

A flower in snow

I read somewhere this: How fleeting love is, how long - oblivion!
Something went "knock-knock" inside me and I just had to write. Was a delicate, fragile and very fine feeling that I thought only poetry can handle it with the care it needs.

Warming up
Here I go
with a small poetry
I am not good with rhymes
So be gentle with me

Longing and you

To forget you
I had to do it on my own
I had to re-dream without you
Avoid being alone

I knew where you were
A quick ride would take me there
But puzzled you would ask me
“What are you doing here?!”

You didn’t know I needed you
I couldn't tell how I wanted you
Inside me longing was flourishing
I could only admit that I missed you

You had conquested my mind and memory
For myself I had to erect a small cage
Everyone but you was in there
Was crowdy and noisy, but I felt safe

The cage will maybe feel bigger
While slowly everybody will get older
But You, keep running in my memory,
it’s beautiful
I do not really want this to be over

K.

Am I scary?

In the last year and a half, I have lost 3 friends for un-known/un-explained reasons.

1- Old special friend that couldn't be a lot in touch but friends in Facebook and once in a while phone calls. All of a sudden, I noticed I wasn't his friend anymore on Facebook and even though I sent a message to see if that was by mistake, I did not get answer back. That means that, he really un-friended me from Facebook.

2-A new friend. Very unique person on the way he thinks and interprets the World around. We were friends for some months, very open, transparent, there was no need to lie or pretend to be someone else. All of a sudden, he didn't want to be friend with me anymore and now, when we see each-other, we salute a very cold "Hi".

3-An ex-boyfriend. We had lost touch for years and finally found each-other on Facebook. Wrote back and forth for a while. Had invitations to visit his city and be treated like a princess. Off course I didn't accept it because was not the right time in my life to do that. One day, I noticed he had un-friended me.

Is it me? Why do I see these guys erasing my name from their list of friends and hear nothing back?
Don't you think is only fair to at least provide some feedback to me, so I can see where my problem is and improve?
If they think I am not worth it the friendship, is this the way you break-up with friends now? You just stop talking, writing, calling and the other person is supposed to understand why all this?
Or is it that I am sort of boring and there is nothing interesting coming from me to spice their desire to stay in touch with me?
Am I too cold or too bubbly? Am I too silly or too rigid? Am I too superficial or too deep?

Or maybe has nothing to do with me...is just they need less noise in their lives.


I have the feeling, someone else is about to do the same thing soon. Should I ask him now, before he disappears and leaves me without a way to get an answer?

Don't know and can't explain. All I can ask is: Feedback please and Thank you!

Values by age

Story 1:
A close to 40 years old virgin girl, finally found the man of her dreams and the love of her life. They got married and the next thing in order was "make love all night long". Except that it wasn't as easy as they thought. The girl was in a lot of pain and couldn't let the guy get any closer. So they went to the doctor and after talking with him, they decided to have a "chirurgical intervention" which made lovemaking easier and enjoyable.

Story 2:
A virgin girl in her late 30-is, met a guy that she fell in love with all her heart. One small problem was that the guy didn't know she was virgin and she didn't want him to think that she had never been with a man before. So, she calls over a guy she knew, explains to him what she was worried and asked him to help her. The guy helped.

These are true stories. As a girl that has lost virginity relatively late myself, it made me wonder, what was considered, Early, On time, Late and Too late on this regard?

(The Loss Of Virginity Aka The Awakening Of Spring- by Paul Gauguin)

I hear girls 15 years old are having children now. That means that virginity is lost a little earlier. On the other side, I know that a lot of mothers/fathers will be completely in raged if their 15 year old daughter is having sex. So, I gather, at around 15 years old, girls start to feel the desire to be with boys. Some want to hang out, some want to be hanged in other ways. Considering that puberty is also in early stages at 15, I am thinking that is pretty safe to say that "having sex at 15 is Very Early".

Between 15 and 19 (at least in Canada), a girl will finish the high school, pass driving test exams, have her first legal alcoholic drink in public, go on all the places where IDs are required for under 18, hear about different sex experiences from her friends or friends of friends, have first kiss (or not!) and probably will know a guy that she would like to have as boyfriend. Some will be busy solving dilemmas about their future studies, universities, colleges, carriers. Some others, will have more time in their hands and that will get them into thinking more about having a boyfriend. In both cases, the self confidence is growing and the belief that they are able to make the right choice for themselves is very high. Some think that the right choice is to have a boyfriend but not sex. Some other think that the right choice is to have a lot of sex and no boyfriend. The anatomy has reached a level where curves are visible and desirable. So, I would say that by 19 years old, having sex is between "Early and On Time". If a girl thinks is Early, she either thinks that sex is something valuable and would be done for first time with someone special (when she meets him), OR, she really thinks that it is Early and in a way she is scared to lose her virginity.

Between 19 and 25 career is somehow on tracks, biological growth is finished, any quick plastic intervention is taken care of, guys are not "mysterious" anymore because everyone knows what they want and how they function, any legal restriction for under age is removed, some friends are married and with kid(s), interesting guys have been for sure in the picture, the desire to change the World is fading out and the pure selfish ego is shaping up for good. After all the frustration that girls have to go through in schools, during menstrual periods, being compared with other skinny girls or loosing guys they love from other "Early" girls, would be pretty tough to keep thinking that sex is a special thing that must be done with that special guy that you hope will meet one day. So, I think that this age is "On Time" to start having sex and have a lot of it.

Between 25 and 35, the sexual orientation should be well known so any experiment should have been taken care of. The desire for a partner is not a discussion anymore, is a necessity and all the paths should have been walked to figure out how to meet that special someone. Guys are met and the art of breakup must have been mastered in both directions. If no sex has happend, I would think that what at 19 was considered a virtue, now is taking the shape of a monument, and value is being put into it. Nothing wrong into thinking that somethings should be kept special and valuable, but on the other side, the question is "For whom?". At 35, there should be no guy that we should consider so special and worth it to limit ourselves from having sex for him. So I would say, that at this time, we have reached the "Late" stage.

After 35 I guess is the "Very late" case and there is not much need to talk about it. A guy still will consider a virgin girl as "a special perl" but will also start to doubt the reasons. It will take a very special relation, time spent together and same way of thinking, to understand the value of believing on One Love, on A Special Person, on Self Preservation as a virtue. All this can happen, but it will make a relationship more complicated and will require more explanations. I guess that's why the girl on Story 2 just solved it differently. I find that amusing.



All this was about virginity, but I guess works even for other things we consider "valuable" at some point and then "a bottle neck" at another point. A virtue has it's peek and it's low value depending on our age, our desires, our outlook for the future and our interests. It's important to have an expensive virtue at the time when it's in high demand, but need to work around it on times when it's not working anymore for us. A virtue should only be benefitial. Benefitial to us and only us. None is worth it limitations to our life.

S-M, H-V

When we complete a personal form, on the question "Your marital status", the options are M for married and S for Single. We check one of them and we become statistic.
Singles probably feel bad when they check S. They might think "Here we go again! Another place to remind me that I still haven't got married, like there are no others that do that every chance they have!" Their big goal is to happily check M on their next form. (Don't miss to read "happily" here)
Married people probably sigh when they check M. "Yes, I am married. So what?" Their big goal is to be happy, and sometimes that is not something they find at home.Sometimes they wish they could check S again.
It happends to me too. Often I find myself thinking that being single is a good thing. To be perfectly correct, the perfect status would be "In love", but that is not in any registration form..or maybe only at the eHarmony form. I see singles like Edward sees Bella at the Twiglight. He is defined, he knows what to check on a registration form. Vampire (V). She can be Human (H) or become Vampire(V). She has options.
By deciding one over the other, by chosing from the options, all we do is limit ourselves. By becoming M, we limit ourselves from new options, from new experiences, from new lessons, from new adventures, from new connections. A single would say that new options, lessons, experiences and connections come when you become M. I don't disagree with that, but only for a short time. After 1year, 2 years of being a M, no more new options are visible, the new lessons are nerve racking, the new experiences are cause for arguing and new connections are only when children change school.
I guess it depends on the people and their point of view on life. Some people are happy to be M in all the ways and shapes of it. Some people find it very hard to be M and kick it away when opportunity gets close. Some other people, give to M more than one chance. Some people, just wish they could check S again and never see M anymore.
Is it better M or S? I just can say that there days that I wish I was S. Days like when I meet new intresting people and would like to spend more time with them rather than run for the swimming lessons. Days when I feel like the maid of the house and then also like an entertainer. Days when I have to keep an eye on the kid playing outside and I think that I am wasting time talking with my neighbour (nothing wrong with them tho') rather than having fun on my own.
And then I hear S people feeling lonely, feeling they have no one to share their days with, no one to enjoy their experiences with. And I change my mind into thinking that M is maybe better.
And I realize that I can't solve the question that is never happily solved before. Having a partner is very good, being M is too much, being S is too little.