Confidence

I like to believe that I am a strong woman. I have married a guy that when we first started dating, he was making less money than me, had a very low self confidence, bad taste on clothes, low expectations regarding future, not articulated. But he was cute, he loved me the best he could, he gave me the feeling that he will be there for me and will never let me down, he will love me always and ... and I would make my mom happy by getting married. Years after living with him, teaching him, directing him, talking to him, he has become very confident, wants to wear expensive clothes, drive expensive cars, has eyes on becoming a manager pretty soon and is a proud father of a wonderful little girl. He has changed so much that yesterday he actually said to me "you lack on communication skills and that's why you have problems at work and you will never be a manager". Now, my problems at work, was just a gut feeling that I decided to tell him out of opening a conversation. I have this feeling that my job will end soon and I do not see much open options that I would like to jump for. I was shocked, terrified and surprised! He has changed but he has left me behind. He has taken the best of me and now is using it against me to tell me that I am the one that needs improvement!! God, I want to tell him the right thing that would be very much into the swearing side, but, maybe he is right! Maybe I do have a problem with the way I communicate with people. I know that I come from "hot blood" predecessors but I do believe that I'm nice and that people around do get me. Gosh, maybe I am wrong and I have to work on my communication skills. I feel like and HR victim. I never trusted these kind of trainings offered by HR on telling us how to communicate but maybe I do need that! Maybe I do need a structure on the way I present my self and my ideas, how I bring problems across and how I ask what I ask. We need to keep learning every day, keep changing and hope that it will improve us.

So much dust

I haven't put down much writing lately on this blog. It's not that I have started another one but I have found another place to write my thoughts, to unload the garbage in my head. I have a new friend. He is not the normal guy you would meet on a Canadian bar. He is not Canadian and has been through some interesting steps in his life. Just like when you meet someone new, there are a lot to share, to learn about the past. And that's how I have been letting my thoughts out of my fingers into the keyboard. I am really enjoying this , I like to meet people that have things to say. But... there is always a but. My but is why do I do this? Why do I find it interesting to meet new people, why do I look for to meet new people? I guess, we are all under the expectation that once we get married, all we need around is our families and our spouses. Making new friends, especially from the other gender, is seen as a sign of "cheating". Now cheating is a hard word and I do not like it. Where does it start and where does it end? What is the minimal thing we have to do to be considered as "cheating"? The fact that someone else is offering something we like to take, something we do not get it from the other already established sources and resources, means that we are surrounded by people that do not offer all what we need. I know we have families, friends, spouses, children but sometimes relations just get in a "status quo" and in order to keep moving and not fall under the everyday depression, you need new input, new ideas, new stories, new words, new points of view. Would be really boring and dull to just be happy with what you have. I do enjoy and evaluate what I have but I feel un-complete when I face a new idea, new input and I am hungry for that. I want it! Why does this looks like a sign of cheating? Lately I was reading about one of the Oprah's shows where the theme was cheating. The smart psychiatrist that Oprah has always there to give the right advice said: " We should feel offended if someone makes us a compliments knowing that we are married"... maybe was "a sexual compliment", don't remember very well the details. And that didn't fall well in my stomach. This is such a Conservative -Catholic -American oriented psychology. I am not sure but I believe that elsewhere, the psychiatrists would say different things, not so closed-in-the-box and well labeled with the stamp of the betray. I believe only people that are not confident in their relationships, that fear that their spouses will leave them, that want to keep beside them people that do not want to stay with them....only these people like this psychology, promote this way of thinking.

vor v zakone

By a high number of recommendations from different people, I rented the new movie of Viggo Mortensen and Naomi Watts, "Eastern Promises". Now I am one of those people that is recommending it to you :)
Very nicely done, a handful of interesting actors, a gutsy writer and director. It is a very complicated theme to touch and actually, you have to watch also the Special Features from the DVD in order to translate and appreciate the movie better.


It is already in Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_Promises
It is a Russian mafia story, with a mix of British to cool down this "nuclear" combustion. In a weird way there is also a love story between Anna (Naomi) and Nicolai (Viggo). For sure there is a lot of chemistry between those two, but is kind of forbidden love, or as the director says "They are like two ships that meet at night in the open sea but continue on their directions". Viggo does a very good Russian accent and a Russian guy. He says that he actually went to Russia to the small town from where his character was supposed to be, he learned from Russian people (or even criminals that don't admit to be criminals), he studied the tattoo language and brought all that into the movie. The tattoo is a very fine element in all this story. I knew that symbols and pictures people tattoo on their bodies always represent something, but in this case, tattoos are like passport. A funny one that Viggo mentions on the Special Features is the tattoos that he has on his ankles. In one foot it's written in Russian "Where are you going?" and on the other foot is written, again in Russian "What the fuck do you care?". I thought that is funny! And I thought my tattoo is "special" !!! What a kid I am :)
Another funny thing is that the word "zakone" that in Russian means "code", in my language means "vice", same spelling. My poor country, has had so many invaders that we don't know anymore to what language we step the toe :)

Woman and Power

Last night, the female ex-prime minister of Pakistani and leader of opposition, Bhutto, was killed. The first to be blamed are the ones in power and the extremist Islamics. The killer, did blow up himself right after. Just like in the September 11 attack, kill and then suicide, scared to face the actions and take responsibility. What kind of rats do that?
What do we have to do to open the eyes of people so they can see what is good and bad, right and wrong, forward and backward? Is it because she was a woman or because she was modern on her opinions and the way she looked at the future? Maybe the combination, I think!
I am afraid of where the World is going. Extremists are becoming normal, acceptable and present. Islamic extremists, pro Bush extremists, anti-women extremists....I don't know anymore! I just don't like extremists of any kind. Why do we have to KILL to promote our ideas? Where are the wise men and women that with words can cool down World Wars, that are not hungry for money and power but actually think about World Peace? Why do they have to hide, be especially protected, be told to shut up and then gunned down? There are so many idiots out there that talk, scream, push and get rich and nobody kills them for wasting natural resources?
In the same time, America has to vote and choose between a woman and a black man for future president. What's going to be? If the woman will be elected, will Islamics kill her as well? If the black man is elected, will white men and women kill him? And the one that would have made so many people happy if he was killed, in my opinion, is only the existing Mr. President!

..................
Sleep in heavenly Peace
Sleep in heavenly Peace

Boxing day

I know it means to go on stores and shop like mad but I actually put myself in front of another box (TV) and watched again, for another couple of times, my favorite Christmas movie, "Love Actually" and then "Before Sunset", very cute. Recommended for everyone!

Garden State

I left Toronto on Friday to go and visit my cousin that lives in New Jersey. The airplane that was supposed to come and pick us up, for some un-explained reasons turned back on half way so they send another plane for all the people that were left here. It took 3 and half hours to finally get on the plain and fly for 1 hour. Such a short trip that there was not enough time to finish the small peanut pack they give you along with a juice. Arrived there and got a cab, the driver had no idea where was the place I was going. Luckily, I had checked the map on Googles one night before and I was able to direct him right at the door step. At the end he turned and asked me, Have you been here before?, and said No, I just looked at the map last night. With his very strong african accent, he turned and said to me , You are a smart woman, believe me! Yes I am, I told him and smiled. Believe it or not, that was the best moment of the day. Got in my cousins apartment and find out that she had moved to Code Red-Emergency Level One. The only place she hadn't called yet was Police. Told her that airplane was late but she was worried that a taxi driver might have kidnaped me on the way to her. She also forced me to call my husband right away and then, she came and gave me a hug and said "Welcome"! My daughter was a surprise to her, she never thought my girl would be so pretty! (I kind of took that as a personal offense but it's not worth it to think such a things if you know my cus') After a lot of laud talking and laughing and big-bear hugs, my daughter got so sick that she started vomiting and it didn't end till 2 o'clock in the morning. Changed her 4 times from head to toe, bathed her 2 times, run to the bathroom 6 times and spend a lot of time cleaning one of the couches. When finally we decided to sleep, heard a big "BANG" at the front door of the building (she is the superintendent of the building and lives at the first floor, very close by the door). The police showed up before I said "What the f*** was that" and they asked if everything is fine. The front of the building was covered by police man searching with torches for something, there was a Rescue Unit and the street was blocked for 2 blocks so no one could driver there, just walk. By 3 in the morning, her husband came home as well (he works in evening hours) and we had had time to talk, guess about what could have happened, rumor all other cousins and said more than 20 times, Let's go sleep now!

My daughter was much better next day and that made everything easy. We didn't go a lot around but made it to get to a mall with some indoor playground where my girl had fun for a while. At the end we stopped to this small place where there were a lot of toys around and children could play for free. Now, I should have known better to trust a place that offers something for free in America. The kids that were playing there, were WILD and VIOLENT. After the first 5 minutes, my daughter came and told me "Mom, these are bad people here!" Had to move and save my girl from becoming hispanic or some sort of african-american, actually mostly american, as I have a great respect for africans from Africa! Had to do the mandatory stop at a Victoria Secret's shop (hasn't arrived in Canada yet)but nothing more than that.

At my cousin's house, I said "I'm sorry" to my husband from deep inside my soul. See, my husband, always tells me that I have an aggressive way of approaching things sometimes, but I do not agree with him. But there, I finally understood that there must be a family problem here. I looked at how my cousin talked to her husband and how he talked back to her and I felt that I must be like that sometimes as well, much moderated but my husband is not like her husband either so, I can understand where he gets the "aggressive" from. And, good girl as I am, I did tell my husband sorry when I came back home, putting him in a status of shock for a good 30 seconds!

After spending 3 days in Jersey I know:

-1- Jersey is black, hispanic and white, in this order.

-2- People in Jersey are very angry and it is not recommended to talk or have a conversation with them. Keep it short!

-3- There is probably a family problem that I have to work on and find a better-softer-smoother way to approach to my husband and maybe even others that don't tell me.

-4- Kids learn fast. My cousin and her husband tried to teach my daughter some of our language, but always in the funny-bad-not_appropriate_way. She did learn all that fast and when she used all those words we would all laugh and she arrived in the conclusion "Mom, I'm funny"

-5- There is so many bad habits and things that we should introduce to our kids in the same way we introduce all the good ones. At that mall, when she came and told me "These are bad people", I felt that she was not ready to face the World like the other kids were, and that made ME feel not good. I want my girl to be the best on any situation and if the situation is to face bad people, she should be strong enough to do so.... not to be like them but not to let them bully her either... altho' as a friend of mine told me just last week "After a lot of training in the army, they were told that the best move to do when faced by danger, was to RUN"

-6- When traveling with a child, do not take anything to read with you as you won't have the smallest chance to do so. You can very well replace the reading material with a pack of Crayons.

And since tonight is Christmas Eve, let's all wear red underwear and pretend we have been nice last year so Santa will bring us what we were looking for. HO-HO-HO

I'ts De-cember

So another year just about to leave and remind us that we are growing up... ok ok, getting older! It is impossible to not be aware of it. The Christmas trees are put up and decorated since September. Any store you step in, you hear Christmas songs and everything is decorated in the way to tell you "Hey, I'm a gift idea, buy me!".And if you do actually buy something, plan to get also a book with you as you will be on line to pay for it for long-loooooong time . I get a full mail box with stickers and cards from organizations that need 25$ from me in order to continue to function and offer to everyone a safe Christmas. Everywhere in radio or tv, each channel has their own charity they want you to contribute to. The daycare where my daughter goes, finally announced the day of the Christmas concert that has been prepared for a month. I had to actually tailor a small skirt for my daughter this year as the uniform needed a black one and she didn't have one! Feel pretty proud about it as it came out nice and all her teachers are asking me to make skirts for them! Not going to do that ever, but still feels good :)
Another sign of Christmas is that you start getting mail from people that write to you only for Christmas, kind of "hey, we don't hang out together but I do think of you!!" You get invited to parties from people that you know very little and you start thinking, why did they invite me?
I have to do shopping, write cards, mail the packages and mail the cards. It's such a pain in the ass but if I don't do it, no one will!
Your friends start making their own web cards with their faces and with animations like elves or jingle bells and fill your e-mail box up to the point that you get e-mails from the IT department to remind you that your e-mail box is over the limit size!
They also send you gifts, where 60% is chocolate, 30% candles and 10% other.
All the shows on Tv go to repeats because the actors or presenters go on vacations.
But one thing that I like at the end of each year is the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Now, I like guys, there is no doubt about that, but those girls are steamy! I watched the show couple of night ago and was just grrrrreat!

So based on all of these, I have to admit that Christmas is the most depressing time of the year! I get sad and become picky on what I like to do. Mostly because I have about 2 weeks off from work and I don't get to go home to my parents. Also, just staying home, eat and watch tv or old movies doesn't work well for me. I probably have to start playing on-line games or just the XBox with my husband so we get closer with each-other :) I guess I need friends and family around to keep me busy so I don't have time to start thinking about my old friends and the time when I had things to do during holidays...haha....like one year, I just locked myself up in my room to finish this puzzle with 2000 pieces on January 1st. The idea was that I was pissed with my boyfriend and I didn't want to meet him. I knew he was outside waiting for me to get out and come and talk to me so I had to stay home. But at home my mom would become suspicious as why was I staying home (I never did!) so I started the puzzle and I said that I wanted to finish it. She knows I love puzzles so kind of left me alone. But I had some friends calling or coming to visit me at home so wasn't bad :)
Last year I volunteered to have Christmas party at my house and that kind of made me moving as I had to prepare for 30 guests. At the end I really had fun and loved it to have the house full with friends but this year I felt kind of lazy so I let another friend take over. It will be a house warming/ Christmas party as they just moved to another house. Also, a friend from States is coming for one week to visit people here and I am exited to meet him again. He promised he will find time to have a lunch with me someday during the week, just to catch up. I might drive to New Jersey to meet my cousin that haven't seen in a while. Like to drive there with my lovely Volvina, but everyone is telling me that I would be crazy to do that, so I will see about airplane.
I'm such a Grinch!