Who sucked up my energy?

I met some friends during the weekend, to a kid's birthday party. I thought I had fun and as usual, made some jokes here and there. And then, today, I got two emails from two different people, worried about me. One said she mist my jokes and fun and the other one said I have become very quiet.
I am doing a survey about my performance at work, and one of the comments I got was "Express more energy, but not as much as Jeff", where Jeff is this guy that is 24/7 pumped up. He is so energetic that he can't just type, he has some weird gadgets that transforms his talk to writing.
In my head, i was thinking I have become really chatty. I find myself talking all the time at work and with my friends. So I am trying to figure out what is going on here and as I read back what they said, I see that they are not saying I am not talking. They are saying I have less energy than before.
WHO SUCKED UP MY ENERGY?
In my new job, I am dealing a lot with coaching and being coached. While I have taken the coaching seriously, I had a bit of resistance being coached. The group that is coaching me is made up of an experienced coach and a bunch of apprentices. The apprentices are all kids that just finished MBA, but dressed in contractor suits all day they look older. They are maybe 10 years younger than me but have the attitude "Listen to me, this is how it must be done". I have a problem with that. Pisses me off!!
So I took a position where I almost ignored them, especially a couple of them. I chose to talk with only a couple that didn't come with that attitude and actually knew how to talk and what to say.
On the other side, with my team members, we used our lunch time to vent off all the "Us vs. Them" issues we faced day in- day out.
One of the books I started reading for my new job, explained me something: There are 3 levels of coaching: Follow the rule, Break the rule, Be the rule.
I read it as just one of the things explained in the book, but then after that, it hit me. These guys, see us as contingent that MUST Follow the rule! While, we were hired to BE the rule. So we are constantly heading each-other. They do not want us to even Break the rule, just Follow the rule.
I am tired of this and I find myself constantly breaking the rule and trying to be the rule. But then I watched an episode of "The pitch". The story was about 2 ad companies competing to win the marketing role on a company that was focused on women products. One ad company was made by women, 100%. The other one was made by men with one women. The women from that team did all the right questions to push these guys to the right path of thinking. At the end she came up with the right pitch and they won. The company with 99% men won over the company made 100% by women, over an ad for women products!!! And guess what! The asswholes did not even recognize her contribute. They did not say "We won this because of you"! They actually complained about her way of debating with them and pushing them with questions and discussions!
I think I am probably doing the same for my team. I am being that women that pushes them until they make the right decision but because of my "feisty-ness" I am not recognized. So, I am getting to a point where I am stepping once notch back and let the others in my team step it one notch up. I am losing my energy! I am losing my attitude to talk and doubt everything I hear. Good/Bad?
The good part is that I will probably make it to recover my reputation at work. The bad thing is that I am losing my reputation with my friends. I am drained!

Shout Out or S/O

If you read my previous blog, you should know by now that on my way back home, I get this small magazine "Tonight" that has a complicated Sudoku. That was all I cared about that magazine, until one day when I finished Sudoku before arriving at my station. Just so I don't want to look like I am checking out the people around, I thought I'd have a look at the other pages there, so I started from the end. There was a section called Shout Outs, 2 pages. I start reading and I couldn't belive my eyes!! That is a new social media, but not electronic.. a paper social media! Since then, now I read that section every day! Here some fun ones:
"To the lady that was yesterday at the LSW train, in her early 60. I think you are lovely. I am in my 20, brown and would love to tap on your experience ;)"
"I would love to meet you and dance with you in the rain. You shirtless and me wrapped in a sari! Are you strong enough to take me away from my evil uncle that wants me to marry this other guy"
"I saw you on Wednesday on subway. You got off on Glencarin station. You had a pair of tiger skin, high heels. All I want is to see you on those shoes. The Suit"
"Keep your feet that smell like sweat, cheese, disgusting dirt on your shoes until you get home!"
"Read something, don't just look out of the window"
"To all the people that see a pregnant women standing and pretend they are sleeping. Get up and give your seat!"
"You were wearing greenish pants, were listening to your music and were on Erindale station at 8:15am on Tuesday. I think you are too handsome and I would love to go out with you for a coffee. toshytoaskyouout"
"I am a women in my early 50, look like in 40, still with a strong drive. Where can I meet men of my age that are still in good health and still have a drive? NotLookingtobeaCougar"
and then the next day the answer:
"I am a man in late 50, still have my own teeth, in good health, lots of my own hair and lots of drive. Would love to meet women like you"
"To the person that left a note on my windshield with the license plate of the person that hit my car at the parking lot yesterday, a big thank you!"

And then there are some more on cats, some soccer related ones lately that Euro2012 is going on, some environment ones...All I can say, this is fun :) I read today that someone thanked S/O because she re-met her love by writing here and now she thinks that some things are meant to be! There are some open ones "Succesful guy, in my early 40, take good care of myself, divorced, no kids. I take LWS lane at 5:10 on the last car. Let me know if you are on the same train and we can talk"

All I can say is that people are looking for "love" everywhere possible. They spent ~1hour or more every day on the train. Why not find someone to make that hour interesting, to make that hour the one that gives them a reason to wake up in the morning. Maybe work, or school or problems are just all around us and we NEED 1 hour a day to forget them, get lost in something else. If it becomes something sweet and nice, why not leave the "evil uncle and dance in the rain" together!! At the end of the day, we all are good inside, looking for a way to let others see inside us.

Addictions

I have always believed that I am not addicted to anything. Even if I get addicted to something, I can stop it right away if I would want to. I have a hard time trusting people that say they can't stop some addiction. I believe that it can be done if you really want to. So it is not about "I can't" but is more about "I don't want to yet". While back, when I used to take the train at work, I started playing Sudoku on the daily newspaper. I was really into it and I wanted to always finish it during the time I was on train (30 minutes ride). Then, someone that used to take the train with me, made me realize that Sudoku had become an addiction for me. Instead of talking with someone, or read, or listen music or just watch out the window, I had a "mission" and I had to finish Sudoku. Then things changed and I started driving at work. So I didn't have any more access to the daily newspaper and I didn't have time during the day to find and complete a Sudoku. I thought I was healed and Sudoku was not an addiction any more. It just happened that I had to update my cellphone and the new phone I got...guess what... had Sudoku built-in. I did find myself getting back to it any time I was somewhere with nothing but the cellphone to do something. I remember one night, when my mom was in hospital after she had put the pacemaker on. I was tired after a long week, very stressful, very cold(was winter) and at around 8 pm, when they called for all visitors to leave the hospital, I stopped at the hospital door and I asked myself, "Do I want to go right away home?". I thought of my house that was upside down (for a week, 2 men and 1 child had been living wild), and all I wanted was a bit of my time for me. At that time of night, there is not much I could do, so I just turned back to a Tim Horton inside the hospital, I took a hot chocolate and just sat on a table at the corner. I had my cellphone with me and I started a very difficult level of Sudoku. It took me about 45 minutes to finish that and the chocolate. After that, I felt good. Got up and went home. Now I am back on taking the train to work. Back to the opportunity of the morning newspaper. Back to the addiction of Sudoku. But not just that. Just like everything, newspapers have evolved as well. There is a morning newspaper, but there is an evening one as well. Sudoku in the morning is easier than the one in the evening. BUT... in the morning, there is a new puzzle game, Cryptocipher. It a sentence where the letters are encrypted. All you get is a sentence with a bunch of letters and the decryption of one of the letters, for example N=P all over the sentence. So based on this, one should decrypt the whole sentence. So, my morning now consists on finishing the not so difficult Sudoku and then work on the cryptocipher. Some days I manage to finish both in 33 minutes (the length of the train ride). Some days I might not finish the cryptocipher. My evenings are focused on finishing the difficult Sudoku. If by any chance I get to finish that before my stop, I get back to the cryptocipher that I was not able to finish in the morning. It is helpless. I completely understand that I am addicted to puzzle games and there is very little I can do about it. One thing is to stop taking newspapers. But I would be bored to death for 30 minutes on the train. You can say I should read. Yes I agree, that would be the smart choice. But the books I should read are for learning, not for fun. And that's why, I am not really excited to read them. I find more excitement in finishing the games than in reading for an exam. Puzzles are ruining my day. I am addicted and I know it.

Re-connect

On many long journeys have I gone. And waited, too, for others to return from journeys of their own. Some return; some are broken; some come back so different only their names remain. --YODA, Dark Rendezvous

I am afraid that I am the last case in the mind of someone I re-met lately. There is no need to say a lot. When compared with before, you can say we might be the same and able to talk with each-other like then. But I felt it, was not. I think I am the one that has changed and didn't tell him I had changed. The thing is that, until now I didn't know I was changed either. We had to re-meet so I could be able to compare myself before and now. I have changed without understanding. Every thing that happens in our lives, changes us in a way or another. And lately, there has been a lot in my life. A friend of mine was telling me that his mother had a stroke and he was really touched and loaded with a lot of emotions about that. I feel for him and I do understand but, I just made a comment "it is his first time on these problems". I was probably rude to say that but I know that when I was going through my mom's first heart intervention, I was like him. Scared, emotional, thinking about how fragile life is. 3 years later, lots of hospitals and visits at doctors, I see these with less emotions and more on the practical side. So I think it is just Darwin's law. Nobody to be blamed or rewarded.

Things I am learning while not working

This will be a post that will grow as I find more things to add to it. I don't want to post a lot of little things since tweeting is not my thing.
1. If you want to work from a library, don't go to one that makes you pay for parking. I was thinking that the main library of the city would be the best. The problem is that you have to pay for parking. The other problem is that, a lot of moms with little children decide to "educate" their kids by bringing them to library. So, it is costly and it is noisy by kids crying. Rather, I found this amazing new library that was just renovated last year. It is located close to the lake and right beside a small park by the river. The inside is really modern with orange and white chairs. The parking is free for 3 hours (fine, I have to take a break after 3 hours anyway) and there are not many moms that come here with children. The ladies that work here do not care to keep the voice low, but at least is not a crying noise that they make. Love to sit by the window walls, lots of light, look at the park and river outside and type away emails to companies and recruiters!

2. Lots of recruiters meet people on coffee shops now.Weird! On my first day out of work, I thought I would take my laptop, go to a Starbucks, have a coffee and a job search. It was hard to find a place to sit because 30 other people had the same idea as me. I couldn't stop overhearing a recruiter and another guy sitting at the table beside me. The guy was applying for a construction engineering position and the recruiter seemed like a very mature engineer. I mostly met my recruiters on their offices but I met one at a coffee shop. I know why. She didn't have an office yet, just started her business. One day, I was in the same situation at a Second cup, where I could hear the 2 recruiters drilling down a candidate with questions. Some where regarding profession some where more into hunting for more people from his company that would be interested to move on to other jobs. I was testing myself on shameless skills. At this point, shame is the worst thing I should have, when searching for job. So when I noticed their meeting was done and they were leaving, I pushed the courage side of myself to jump from the couch I was sitting and asked one of the recruiters to give me his business card. He felt flattered and handed me his last card. Probably thinking I would call him right away. I didn't , because I didn't like him and I thought he might think I was attracted to him (NOT!). But it was a good test to myself.
3. There are some slow days. When I haven't scheduled any meeting with recruiters or companies. There is nothing to follow up, except apply on some positions posted on popular websites. And after all the new openings are checked, some applications are done, nobody has written or called back, AND it is lunch time, feels like another day is wasted. So what to do? Well, first go have lunch. It is good to keep feeding your body with nutritious food or you might get sick (and sick is the last thing you want to be when hunting for job). So go and get something you like, not greasy to put you to sleep, not too much sugar to mess up your energy and not in a smelly-dirty place where you do not like to stay longer than 5 minutes. When this is done and still no new emails or phone calls, it is time to go back to school. Yup, self-school. There is a lot of things to read out there that will help professionally. If there is an objective like a certificate or an exam to take, then that should be the push, the energy you need to make it happen. So use all your afternoon on reading, digging more on that test and maybe book a date for it so the resistance to justify your lazy ass will be futile. I am still working on this on practice, although I am totally in agreement with the theory.
4. Disconnect from email for 2-3 hours. The opportunity will not go away, if it is looking for you, will call your cell phone! Darn the technology sometimes. The books I have to read for the exam I want to take, are digital, which means I read them on my lap-top. This gives me the chance to keep my email window open and every once in a while to look if there is a new email. Guess what, I am not really reading the books, because of the distraction! Close that darn email for a bit and read-really read for 2-3 hours.
5. Libraries are educational places for mentally or physically challenged people (I think I am politically correct putting it like this!). You would think that these people would need more medical or physical attention and activities, but I see them all the time here at the library. Some of them remind me Rain Man (Dustin Hoffman) but some seem to come here just to look outside the window. Usually they are accompanied by someone in full capability of operating around them and with normal people. The problem with that is that sometimes they engage in discussions that are lame and annoying for me that want to focus on reading something (and understanding what I am reading). Then, there are some normal looking people that can't read in their heads. Nope! They have to read loud enough to create an annoying-constant-low-white noise that feels like a fridge buzzing (Karma Police - arrest this men/ he speaks in math/ he buzzes like a fridge.... Love this song!)
6. Horoscopes. Zodiak or Chinese. They become part of your daily job search routine. Just like you go everyday to the job engines and look for new positions, you also go and read your horoscope on a couple of websites. And then you find that all this is happening because Mars was in retrograde. Remember back in November when things started going wrong 360 degrees around me? That's when Mars apparently went in retrograde and finally now is turning on me and I am supposed to expect some good changes. Darn that Mars retrograde!! But on the same page, Pluto is going on retrograde now for me so it is not all easy-peasy yet. With the new moon things might look brighter ..... and this is how you might waste 1 hour from your day, just trying to find who to blame up there. Who is that darn planet that turned the back on me and is making my life lately so miserable and everything I do so hard and complicated. Maybe it feels good after all to know that was all because of Mars and nothing I did wrong.

Don't cry on the mirror

When I gave birth to my daughter, just when I arrived home from hospital, a friend of mine called. She heard about the baby and called to congratulate. She was mother of 2 at that time, so she had a lot to tell me. And during the conversation, between two girl friends, we were talking about the birth, the pain and ultimately, how much our vagina is open to get the baby out, and, ultimately, how the doctors try to tell you ate the end how many stitches they used to "repair" the damage. She said : Don't see yourself until you are healed and you don't have any pain. I made the mistake to see myself with a mirror and I regret it. It was black, like someone had punch me hard, many times. I still have nightmares if I think of it.
For some reasons, this just stayed in my head and I resisted the temptation to use a mirror and see myself. But, every time I hear of someone just giving birth, I remember this conversation.
Lately, I have a desire to cry. Is more of a necessity than just desire. It is my way of getting out all the anger, the suspense, the fight with the unknown, the need for hope and other related feelings. Usually, I do not cry. I keep strong, I ignore cry and I focus on what must be done. But then I reach a point when there is too much inside me and I have to cry. If I can't get a good cry by all the things around me, I just find a movie to watch. Movies make me cry, I admit it. Stories where people love each-other, where people sacrifice for each-other, where kids get their dreams come true, where sickness is healed, where death is something that connects people more, where humanity gets to use their hearts. Yes, I cry. And that would be just the right thing to get me crying. I would go somewhere where nobody can see me and cry until I feel good.
Yesterday, I was crying in the washroom and then I wanted to wash my face. I caught myself crying in the mirror. It was horrible. I wish I didn't. Not just seeing my face all swollen up and my eyes red. It was the idea that I saw myself "down". I saw myself lost, without hope, I felt like failure and not able. Reminded me the vagina story.

I think this would be my nightmare.
P.S. Don't worry, I'm not gonna cut my wrist!!!

March Break in job hunting season

Back to looking for a job. The last place turned out to be a very slave-drive mentality, absolutely no people management skills from anyone. I was planning to stay a little longer and do some self-improvement things like read to take a certificate, give my resume 1 year at one place and so on. But at the end they closed the loop and managed to squeeze a small package. Off course I am pissed off with my manager but at the end, it was probably a favour he made me by letting me out of that place. Everyone around me is telling me that I wasn't happy since I had started there.
So, now I am back into selling myself! What do you do when you want to sell yourself? Prep your resume, go meet recruiters, apply to every possible job you see online that is related to what you are looking, stay positive and happy, and repeat all of this from Monday to Friday. When you are looking for a job, the Friday comes very quickly. You wish people would be working during weekends too. I read somewhere that it is not a good idea to apply on a job or send an email to a recruiter during weekend, because they forget about it when Monday comes and they sit in front of the computer, to respond or follow up. Got some ideas from some of the recruiters. Some are very formal, some are more down to earth, some are un-readable and you have to try to understand what is bothering them while talking with you. Some are young and naive, some are experienced and smooth, some are young and experienced but working under sharks, some are part of teams, some are individuals. After meeting with everyone of them I think "Do they need more clients or more customers?". Clearly, some need more companies that trust them for recruiting. Some might be well plugged but they do not have enough candidates for what they want to fill. And then, there are some recruiters that post "filler jobs". This really pisses me off. These are jobs that request everything I can do, but these are not real jobs. These are jobs to make people apply and so the recruiting company has you on the profile and will check with you when they have something similar from a real company.
On top of all these, I have to do my part as well. Whatever I see posted on job sites, I go for it. I am contacted by recruiters that I have no idea how they found me but they give me right away a job description for a real company and ask me to apply for it if I am interested. Cool!
So on the first 2 weeks, I have left home just like I was going to work and been out to meet people, library, searching online or reading books. One of the reasons to make me do this is the fact that my parents are here with me right now. I have a lot to take care on my own, I really do not want my mom to hear that I am not working right now and make things even more stressful and un-bearable to be at home. I just can't handle more tragedy and her sense of extreme negativity on me. She loves me, I never doubt that, but she is just my opposite in personality and optimism in life.
Everyone tells me that I should take some time off and enjoy myself before start looking for a job. I knew March break was ahead so I thought that might be the time to take some time off. Of course can't really take a lot of time off and go somewhere since I am constantly on emails or phone with people, but I can do things around the house. The weather has been just gorgeous, like it was ordered for this week. One day went to a park, walked a lot in the middle of trees. Glad we didn't face a bear, not many people around to help... somehow... because in front of a bear, everyone would try to figure out a way to save themselves.
One day we went to Bata Museum of Shoes. Now, I know it sounds like I am taking my daughter and teach here the ropes with shoes and shopping. It is not like that at all. It was quite nice and they had a lot of activities for kids. We ended up enjoying some of the arts and crafts tables they had prepare in different pavilions of the museum. What made my run out, was that they had put there Justin Bieber's shoes.. right beside Elvis Priestly's and John Lennon shoes!!!
A couple of days left from March break but I am enjoying it. I wish I knew a job was waiting for me right after this, I would enjoy it even more.
Well, stay tuned! And enjoy the summer! First day of summer today, 3.14 (pi) day was good.