What it takes to quit

With so many lottery systems around, hearing how someone can win millions over night, nobody can deny that for at least once, the thought of winning a lottery has crossed the mind. It is so simple, you spend very little on a ticket and you win millions.
When I grew up, I remember watching a movie called "The million dollar cheque" with Cary Grant I believe. At that time, 1M was something enormous, really life changing and moved you to the "Millionaire Club" right away. Looking on how much the money has depreciated, 1M now is not as meaningful as then. If someone that has a decent job and life wins 1 M, they will not have enough reasons to quit working. It will for sure help sort out some financial bottle neck situations, but the salary is still necessary to come every month. But, what does it really take nowadays to go the next day at work and say "I QUIT" and never look back again?
So I started thinking and considering everything around me. The win must be big enough. It has to cover for the new bigger house (that off course will require a maid to take care), different cars and probably more than one per each of us, better (read: more expensive) school for the kid, a higher life standard (read: more expensive clothes and accessories) and more vacations/trips around the World. On the other side, we must help our immediate family and friends with at least 1M. Some of the money need to be invested in order to cover for the yearly income, let's say about 100K per year. A cottage and/or beach house would be requested as well and with that a boat. At the end, I came to the conclusion, that only if I win 22M, I would go to my manager and say "I quit right here, right now" and not regret the decision. Come to think of it, wining only 1M, is more of a curse than luck because it will make you think that you can have a higher life standard when in reality you might end up with new debts because of that, which will kick you out of the "Millionaire club". Not sure if there are still "Millionaire clubs" out there, and if they really are all divorced, single or just "on the side" looking for companions on special matchmaking website services, just for their rank. I hear that there are some areas on big cities, where even if you have the money to buy a house with a certain zip code, you are not accepted if you won the money from lottery. You must have earned that money or it must have been inherited to you. At the beginning, I was a bit confused with that, but I guess I understand. They want to keep high not just the quality of their area but even their life in general, from every aspect of it. Which means, that even if I win 22M, I am still unable to change my zip code to some fancy one. Only to a decent one. But I think I can live with that. I think I can live with everything I planned to do if I win 22M. I will not stay home all day twiddling my thumbs. I will volunteer, I will follow up on things that I want to do but never found time or came to high priority. I can imagine myself doing that life and I do not mind it.
There are religions that do not bless the money won by lottery tickets or gambling because they are not won by work. There are beliefs that money changes people for bad, and sometimes I have to admit it when I see on TV rich people being cou-cou. There are so many emotional situations that make you say "All I want is good health" and then money comes in second place, and I do understand that.
But knowing it all, accepting and understand it all, I would still like to win 22M. Maybe I will be the person that will tell others "I was happier before" but I want to see it and feel it, at least once.
This is the Chinese year of Rabbit. Out of pure habit, I went and checked the predictions for my sign for this year. There was an option that based on the birthday and birth hour, you could get more specific about your sign and elements around it. I checked that and I found that, from 1 till 31 years old, I would NOT have the Luck on my side. Well, that explains a lot!. And then, from 32 to 91 years old I will NOT have the Luck and Wealth on my side. BUT, after 92 years old, the Luck was on my side. The only thing that came in my mind was the song of Morrisette:

"Isn't it ironic

don't you think

It's like rain

on your wedding day

it's a free ride

when you already paid"

And the story ends: keep working and saving, but wouldn't hurt to dream once in a while that I can be a millionaire, is just that I have to live to 92 years old. By then, someone would have killed me for living too long and bothering people around.

A young poet I like

When I grew up, some of the songs I used to listen from the local bands, where from a band that was considered "the Beatles of our country". Almost all their songs were writen by one poet, my age and very talented. At that time I didn't follow much the author's path but more the band's path. Maybe muzik is easier to follow than poetry. Maybe you listen muzik on the radio but rarely you might hear someone reading poetry. Or maybe becasue my Let teacher was never a good poetry reader, she was not one of those teachers that can stop the flies flying when they recite a poem, and I never felt able to connect with poetry in the same way I connect with story writing.
One evening, I found myself missing the songs of that band and, just as you might guess, I went on youtube and found them. Still lovely, still sweet. But this time, I stoped at the author. Darn!!! How could I have been so shallow all this time and not follow his work, what he have been writing, what is he thinking of the current life? Another thing that makes him a bit "mystiruous" is the fact that he did some academic studies in Istambul and came back a believer of Islam. In my search to find more about his latest work, I ended up finding a website where he has posted his work from 90's and later, but not very recent.
For everyone that knows my country, the famous writer that comes in mind is Ismail Kadare. There are a lot of other writers out there, published everywhere in the World, but none of them has his fame. Well, this new author, when he was 17-18, was considered and had so much promises to be the next Kadare. While Kadare has not taken a religious stand on his personal life, this guy did. And he picked the religion that in the old Europe and new America is seen as the religion with troublemaker believers.Wondering how this choice affected his fame as a promissing writer? I notice that lately he is not as discussed and pormoted as before. I believe he has open a library somewhere in the city and enjoyes living between books. If you search to find any picture of him, you will see a guy with a long bird that makes you think "How does he really look if he shaves?". When you read his early works, you set some expectations for the author. But I do not find anywhere a picture of him from that time. On the other side I can't find any of his recent works. So all I have to match, is his early writings and his current look (per say). And they do not match. I am strugling to give him more on the intellectual side or less as a romantic author. I am strugling to get more out of him .. not from the past but from now. I do not know the guy but I want to know him, have a coffee with him and maybe get a bit more of what is in his mind now, decrypt some un-writen poetry in his mind that maybe can inspire that old band to get together again and write a new song. I feel like my country is losing the next hope for Nobel price in Literature. I feel that someone needs to give that guy a push and make him write again.. about the things he used to write then, about the everyday life, love, our childhood, parts of the city.. anything, anything that can make my generation skip a heartbeat again. It is a long time I haven't skipped a heartbeat from reading something... or listening a new song.

By the way, his name is Ervin Hatibi and here is one of his poetries that I could find already translated in English. And here you can find more from his work, following the links on the left.

Untitled
Don’t waste my blood,
Someone
Was screaming at the moon while
Dying at somebody’s hands who
Went on killing him- in a blood bath; and the full
Moon was not veiled by
Clouds over the desolate path
O God, heavy is the solitude with a killer, and the moon up there,
Two, three, fifteen moons like buttons
Over his blood like living tiles

(years later) same moon
(a moon pervading women chambers)
-why that laugh says the wife to her man
(him leaned back on his bed)
-why this brooding laughing?
The man gave up, couldn’t hold it
-as a matter of fact (deep breath)
he almost sucks the moon into his throat cave
-you know how? I tell you now:
it was me who killed that guy
years ago, at night
I did him; don’t ask me how, or why. I killed him
And he was screaming: don’t waste my blood,
To the moon, as I hit him
You get it? to the moon he addressed don’t waste my blood
(wife listening is white)

the word is the wife
had a talk of it around,
and (the following is essential): news traveled,
her man was ambushed then done

grandfather told me this story
adding always (and making me blush):
-show women only what you got from waist down
never the other way up,
and so he defined the waistband of manhood,
the one to keep up breeches
and the gun
but still
grandpa somehow ignored
the part of the moon, her gravity in the story
and in all our stories of kills and women
(of eros and athanasios as they say)
‘cause there is a moon above us, above walking humans, a
torturing moon
like the truth test machine
like a lamp hanging on a morgue
under it laying dead is
you
under, and you pretending to be flesh
ghost-moon of a breast wrongly popped out of outfits
to a female child who is now a grown up
and sucks cigarettes but no human milk-
it is you
and the moon, that bothering fact that every mother
has her milk inside, such a blackmail this…
but yet you can’t just deny
grandfather’s theory:
if you tell your wife what you got from waist up
it is the same breasts:
and soon the incest has unbuttoned itself
she throws you away in disgust
runs quick to find someone
able to keep longer and hidden
darkly
his half-moons of the other side
under a checkered vest

2002 Trans : Idlir Azizi
"6", Marin Barleti, 1995

China vs. West

Someone I know, with Asian background, posted this article on Facebook. Just in case, I have also copy-pasted down here. I have also posted the thread of the comments on this post, a couple of them are mine.
From different sources, some other friends of mine, did get this article as well and looks like, everyone has read it and has something to say about it. It has been the most discussed theme of January so far. Why?
Looks like at the end, everyone feels strong about how children are raised, what should the communication between children and parents be, who should make decisions. Even single people feel strong about this, although they accept that for them is more in the theoretical side of the discussion. It's amazing how people from different backgrounds are looking for the same thing from their children; they want their children to be successful! Success means a good career! Or at least that's how it starts right after reading this article. And then after a couple of minutes in this discussion, they see the other side of the coin; the life. It sounds like the main complain of the children raised with old-style-Chinese mothers is the fact that they didn't enjoy their childhood and then later felt outcast in social areas of life. While the children raised in North America, are confident and follow what the heart tells them. But now, in our days, in the new China, Chinese mothers are shifting slowly to the Western model. They are giving more room to their children to grow up HAPPY. Funny enough, Western moms are shifting to the Chinese model and try to raise their children more career oriented.
Evolution is sorting out the extremes and is trying to bring them somewhere in the middle. There is something good in both of these methods and if we combine them, we will make it to raise children that are successful in career (whatever career they want to be) and also happy to be alive.

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Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?

By AMY CHUA

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

Amy Chua with her daughters, Louisa and Sophia, at their home in New Haven, Conn.

• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

When it comes to parenting, the Chinese seem to produce children who display academic excellence, musical mastery and professional success - or so the stereotype goes. WSJ's Christina Tsuei speaks to two moms raised by Chinese immigrants who share what it was like growing up and how they hope to raise their children.

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.

Newborn Amy Chua in her mother's arms, a year after her parents arrived in the U.S.

First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master—but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.

"You can't make me."

"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

"You just don't believe in her," I accused.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu—it's so spunky and so her."

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

—Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.

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Some of the discussion on this post:

LL: I wasn't allowed to be outside after sunset

BN: The article did not discuss the beats... Belts, tree twigs, sandals and my personal favorite, fly swatter.

JS: you were allowed outside? :(

SA: it'd be interesting to know whether the kids with Asian parents (like in the article) who grew up in western society would be able to do the same things their parents did, to their own children.
i guess this is why more asians excel as oppo...sed to only a few? those who have potential are worked to the bone, to make sure they make use of it lawl.See More

Me: sorry to break your heart, but i like this and although i'm not asian, i do find myself functioning more as an asian mom than a western mom.

LL: ‎@J Don't get too jealous, I was allowed outside to go to school and work
@S Me too; but I don't think they would b/c of the consequences they've suffer as a result (ex. low self-esteem, being socially inept)

KL: I'm not sure any of this is as uniformly good that the article presents it as. They assume that their children are psychologically fine and let me tell you from experience that a lot of "asian" children may be "successful" but many are mise...rable and in jobs and careers they hate. Its a stereotype but there are significant social impairments that result from such a unilateral upbringing that fosters obedience over independence. success is also very fluid term. They in this article term it merely as academics which is far from true. Rote learning can be useful but there is a reason why that despite doing better than the rest of the world on aptitude tests for a very long period by now, asian countries still fall far behind in innovation. Almost every new technology company that are revolutionizing and leading the field is indeed western. why is that? Why is that despite the massively higher academic average of asian countries, it is still the fact that the best universities are in America and Europe. The fact is that there is worth in fostering creativity and independent thought. discipline is great and all but to favour discipline to such an extreme degree over any self development in personal choice creates ppl who are self controlled but have no direction or vision of their own. It just creates easily controllable ppl that are lets be honest not very well adapted to change

Me: If you try to compare extremes, you can never find a perfect solution. None of them is right. Not sure if you are seeing both sides of the story. America has good Uni-s because they have money. Have you checked on the % of the western vs as...ian graduates on these top notch American uni-s? How come there are so many Asians that graduate with high scores in the American schools where innovation and leadership is promoted and required? I have asian friends and I do not see any low self esteem on them, actually, some are way more confident than north Americans. Maybe a combo of both techniques would bring better results. I’m all for parents to ask nothing but strait As on the report cards and respect on the way communication in the family is handled. But I would let them go out on play dates, choose the instrument they like to play, be active with sports and force the decision for the school profile up to high school. The way I see it (without wanting to offend any profession), western method produces few geniuses, few comp. programmers and a lot of plumbers. While the Chinese method produces few geniuses, lot of comp. programmers and few plumbers.

KL: I'm not sure that the main determining factor or at least the only determining factor in the strength of universities are in the amount of money that flows through them. Yes the private unis in America are very wealthy but if you look at th...e rankings many publicly funded western universities which are far from being much better funded than a top asian university rank higher. yes a lot of asians graduate from western universities but that is somewhat a concession of my point, they decided to come to/ attend a western university, many of them being not from western countries. why is that? It is because Western universities ultimately do force achievement in areas beyond obedience, rote learning, and conventionally accepted choices to some extent though not to the degree that they should in my opinion. Yes the fact that asians do well in western universities is because they do have good work habits and discipline because of their upbringing but they go to western universities because they are better which is due to the fact that they expect more than that. should other "cultures" support higher achievement and work ethics, probably, but to the extreme degree of unilateral obedience the article support is ridiculous. also the very fact that "non-asian" style raised students at western universities are able to do as well or better in some cases, but were raised differently, leads to the conclusion that it is possible to succeed without the militant, control heavy, essentially brainwashing the author suggests should be emulated.
I understand that there is a lot of beneficial aspects of high expectations, but it also needs to be coupled with a understanding that A's alone do not determine worth and that failure is not catastrophic occurrence but a natural healthy manifestation of taking risks. Failure should not be feared or berated just as much as excellence should be pursued. the article def presents a ridiculous level of parental control, though I'm hardly advocating parents be blase about their children's success. I feel that the best route is encouraging high achievement while also supporting personal growth, independence and choice. The statement that I feel most opposed to is the one in the article that underlies much of what I feel the argument the author pursues is, which is that children have no idea of what is "good" for them and thus need to be completely ignored. children in my opinion are not to be molded in fordian mass production factory but to be guided with the explicit understanding that ultimately their lives are theirs to live and that their choices are ultimately of utmost importance. In the end I do not believe anyone wants to be directing their children's future forever but the article seems to think that children are only suited to make decisions when their decisions will be exactly that of the parents. If that was ever possible are desirable society would be pretty much doomed. Culture, society, technology, and economy evolve, and if I may be optimistic, get better, for the very reason that children have consistently chosen on very core matters of value differently from what their parents would have fundamentally determined as "good". Ignoring what children want in their lives is implicitly saying that the parents are always right which I dont think anyone would want to support. If your children do not have a good work habit then, yes teach them, convince them, find something they are interested in pursuing in which to help them be successful at while maintaining competence in the basic core abilities, but to brainwash them and break them so they bend explicitly to your will and become exactly what you want them to be is besides the point of parenting in my mind. You also have to remember that computer programming was not always a viable career or seen as a "good" life choice or something desirable. Many parents thought in the past that their children who were wasting their time on computers were wasting their lives and lacked the "good" sense to become doctors and lawyers. If it was left to "Chinese" mother's the software and personal computer industry would not have ever developed since both industries came to be because ppl/children against their parents best wishes devoted time to a hobby and thus created the technology that was later adapted by business for better "economic" use. InfoTech as we know it today did not arise to solve business problems. it arised through "pointless" personal indulgence in a "non-worthy" activity which was later co-opted and made lucrative through business applications, often by the very same ppl who "wasted" their lives developing their ability at what everyone else thought was a bad and useless activity.

LL: Holy shit, K

KL: too much? I don't know, I guess I'm just passionate about the issue and the fact that the article really pissed me off

AK: i see your point and you are right, at some point parents do have to let children take control of their lives. Hope you are pissed only with the author and not with me :)

KL: lol, I'm not pissed off at you at all. It's just that the article had this somewhat presumptuous tone where of course everyone else who didn't embrace the "chinese" mother's parenting was obviously wrong.

Stuck in church

Every Tuesday evening, I take my daughter to an after school math program that is supposed to help her with the way of thinking, logic and finally with math. The classes are held at the premises of a church, that I assume is not getting enough financial support from the followers and is being creative on how to generate revenue for the priest and his assistant.
While my daughter is in the classroom, I try to take a break. Usually, I take a book to read or I go for a manicure at a Nail spa close by. I would love to go for a coffee with a friend but I don’t have anyone available at that time, at that location.
But one Tuesday, I rushing to get there on time and I forgot to take the book. I had done my nails just two days before. And just like that, I found myself stuck at the lobby of the church. I looked around to find something to read and all I could find was religious literature … religious literature in Korean( I forgot to mention that it is a Korean Anglican church). I am not Christian to begin with and Korean is a language that I have absolutely no relation, except the name of the Bim Bim Bap dish, that I like a lot. Bored to death, I started looking on the little booklets they had around on the tables and I found something in English. Hallelujah! It was a small booklet where they had tried to give sense to Bible and all the psalms there. One that took my attention was “There’s an app for that”. What they were trying to do there was to make Bible look like the first iPhone! For everything you need in our modern life, iPhone has an app for that .... and Bible has a story for that!
I had to laugh! Is that how church is recruiting new generation nowadays? Are they also trying to say that Christianity runs on MacOSX and other religious on Windows? Has the “I’m a Mac and I’m a PC” commercial been so successful that now it is being used as a default reference everywhere?
I am a Mac OSX supporter, no doubt. I have wasted so much time and been so angry so many times with my Windows machine that Mac is sent from Heaven to me. And since things sent from Heaven are religious, then I have to find out what religion does Mac belong? What about Windows?
With so many variation of Windows (3, Server, XP, Vista, 7, etc), I see Windows as a good match for Christianity. A lot of Christian religious around have the same belief (God, Jesus, Holly spirit) but different names (Good seed, Witness of Jehovah, etc). Also, Windows gives a lot of trouble and makes people swear, loose temper in front of the children, spreads viruses and all sort of bad things. It can’t be a thing sent from Heaven, it must be an Evil tool. Now, not that Ma OSX is perfect. There are a lot of issues and complains with that as well, but is way better behaved and more reliable.
So, based on this quick analysis, I declare that Bible is not an iPhone and Christianity runs on Windows. Now where can I find that priest that wrote that booklet and explain this to him!!??

Skip the preset

When I got my new car, one of the nice things was to preset 10 radio channels to a dial pad. When I drive, it's easy to browse through my 10 favorite radio channels and one of them will be singing a nice song that I will like and will make me stop browsing for a while. Just like that, without thinking too much, I have preset my radio choises to 10 and I keep going in loop until one of them is playing something pleasant. One day, I couldn't find anything I liked on all 10 of them, so I started browing outside of the presets. My radio can reach up to 30 channels or so, and the simple math tells me that I had limited myself to 1/3 of the options I had. I was able to find something I liked to listen to, and that made me think.



Just like when we are born, parents and society tells us what is right and wrong, we create a list of presets in our mind and we are raised to move in loop through those presets, until one of them will make sense and answer our questions. If only we try to get out of these presets on our mind, we will see how many other options are there for us. Just like with my radio channels, we could be anaware of the 2/3 of our options.

A monologue

I was talking one day with a friend of mine and he was telling me about this story at work where one manager fell in love with someone. Both married. At the end, she was fired from the job but her affair was also exposed and put her marriage in trouble. My friend, wanted to imagine how someone can handle a situation like that in a decent way. He was trying to make it look like the reason she had an affair was not related to any problem her husband created, was more of a "crazy moment" when she just felt the pull from someone else. He also tried to stay away from details and was thinking that knowing details was going to make it all worst. So, pretending, I took the position of "the cheater" and he took the position of "the cheated". I wrote this as a monologue of the cheater, where she was trying to explain what and why all that happened. It was really hard to put myself in this and think that he had nothing to do with this, pretend that he was a perfect partner and didn't give any reason in the world for me to be attracted by someone else. I did my best and here it is.

The monologue of a cheater

Ah…you want me to talk and tell about myself? I know you don’t want to know the details and it will be hard for me to talk without any of them “escaping” my mouth.
The relation with him was easy, without questions, without worry for the future. When I got on a relation with you, I have asked myself a lot of question, “Will he be a good father for my children?”, “ Will my family and friends like and accept him?”, “Will I be able to live with him under the same roof all my life?”. With him, I didn’t think of any of these. All was disconnected from everyday problems, the boring routine of the 5 days of the week. I didn’t get with him in arguments over the dirty dishes in the sink, expenses on the bank account, did children eat vegetables and fruits. With him, was just him and my, nothing else and nobody else. I found an emotional source that made me look at the problems with less focus, a reason to leave the house dresses nice, a reason to use the new perfume. It was a very good feeling to see myself, once again, adored, loved, appreciated in a new way. He was making me compliments that I didn’t hear before, made me discover things I didn’t know and nobody before had noticed in me. His attraction was like the one that a book of Gabriel Garcia Marques gives during exam season, when there are 2000 pages of theory to read.
In a certain way, in a mathematic logic, I have cheated both of you. He has seen only the fun, playful, smiley side of me while you, lately, have seen only the worry side of me, the one looking to solve issues. He doesn’t know what I do when the house is a mess, he doesn’t know how many questions I make before I pick the color for the bedroom walls, he doesn’t know what toothpaste I use. You know me well because I used to be fun and playful with you some time ago as well. Maybe there were the everyday discussions and worries that changed us. Maybe we both changed but forgot to tell each-other when we did.
What we have together is very important, because we have been together for so long on good and bad, sick and health, because we have children together..but are we happy together? Sometimes I feel like we are brother and sister. Even thought we still have sex together, the spark is gone. When we come back at home from work and see each-other, we do not have anymore the butterflies in stomach. Sometimes a small discussion lingers for long because we are both tired and without the desire to do the first step and not go to bed angry. Is there a life-long love? Is it fair to ask to love and be in a teenage love relation after being married together for so long? I still feel for you, I care for you but I’m not sure I am still in love with you. I can still continue to live with you, do your laundry and ironing, cook your favorite dishes, kiss you when you get home from work, make love with you all night long, I can do them all. All, if you want to. I would be a liar to say I still love you like before. I saw myself living two different lives at the same time. I had beside me two men that offered something that completed each-other, a very fulfilled life. On one side I had you offering me family, insurance, safety. On the other side was him offering adventure, something new, something un-known. It was something in parallel that made me forget how old I was. I never promised him anything more than that and I never asked him more than that. He will stay in my life just like that. Maybe I will meet him again but, already, something has changed between us. This change might connect me more with you or push me more toward him. This all depends on how will we be able to live together after this. Will you be the man that will look at me with disguise and make me feel guilty all my life, or will you be the man that will make me feel stupid to have an affair with someone and forget what a wonderful person I had on my side. I can only promise that I will do my best to make it work between us and consider this a wake up call that woke us from the sleep we had fallen to.

1973 was just the start

My birthday just passed, for the 37th time. Sometimes is a bit sad, like this song of Blunt.



The most beautiful message I received was "You are more beautiful inside and out than from the first day I met you" ... ironically was not from my husband :)) Got 100 messages from 100 people wishing me to become 100 years older. Could have been more, I missed some.
The last message was "Hope you feel realized". All I can do is try to achieve more and more from what I would like to realize. Happy Birthday to me!!