Vinegar

I am noticing myself lately becoming bitter and assertive. More. Maybe I have always been like this but maybe I have been in different positions when people have expected different things from me. I envy this girl in my team, she is all organized and very on top of the process. I can't be like that, it clashes with my personality. My way of working is to get things done, rather than measure a lot of metrics. I do lack academic-ism and for sure I am more hands on and I value practic-ism I know I am doing something wrong, but for everything I identify as something I did wrong, I can find also a reason behind why I did it so I can justify myself. I am worried that I am working against myself, I am becoming like that strong vinegar that ruins its own container. Until now I have seen the role of a psychoanalyst as a hobby. Now I need it professionally. More for a focus, direction, a simple technique on how to keep my mouth shut, on how to be happier and less grumpy. I hear that a lot of people in my new profession, do have personal coaches. Not just for professional coaching but also personal. I think I need one. It might cost but I can pay it as long as I have a job. Maybe will help me stay in a job. So I am thinking to ask some of the guys that have tried a lot of these coaches to recommend me someone. I don't know what this makes me. Desperate, psychotic, complicated, intellectual, crazy or just plain aware that my brain needs more than what is getting right now. I will try it.

Synonyms

My manager is very creative. When he tries to explain something, he likes to use examples that are supposed to explain a complicated situation in an easy way for someone to understand. "There are different ways to skin a cat" is just one of them that is most common. Here some more:
- Business doesn't want to buy a cat on a box!!! (what he means is Business will buy an application that they know what it does and what supports)
- We need to pave the road so the goat doesn't pee on the rug !!!! ( what he really means is that we need to put a clear road map ahead so that teams are not confused and take over work that is not valuable from the business point of view)
- We must make the cow jump the fence so it can eat the grass!!! ( what he means is that we must guide these teams to focus to what is really important for them in order to be efficient)
- We will not spill the milk from the box, but will use a straw!!! (what he really means is that we will not tell to others everything we know, but bring our knowledge out slowly, when requested or when in need)

He is driving me nuts!! One of my colleagues has found a way around and asks "Can you explain that to me in a different way, please?".
Stay tuned to this post as I will be adding more as soon as I hear it from him!

New Additions
- Tell them what you want, developers, PMs, red leather shoes size 73 by Sunday...(What he really means is that you should make it clear what you need in order to deliver what they ask)
- If no requirements, and they need an axe, build them a bottle and if they don't like it build them another one (What he really means is that you start building something until they realise what they need)
- Need to keep the cat in the box. (What he really means is to keep some secrets and not tell everything we know)

Broken hearts in GO train

Copy-paste from the newspaper that I read every evening on the GO, over 5-6 days in the Shout Out section:

@justastrangernow: did you hear anything?
When I read your S/O it was as if I had wrote it
myself. I starting seeing someone and I thought
he was the one. After a few months, things
changed. I miss him so much. I don’t really know
what to do, and I don’t know why? feelingalone

@feelingalone: No, I haven’t heard from her and
never will. Funny how some people express their
true feelings hoping that the other person will
never know the truth. Out of sight, out of mind
I guess. I use to find a silent comfort in knowing
that I mattered to her, but clearly I don’t matter
any more. No one to blame but myself for clinging
to this stupid hope and falling for a person who
doesn’t care for me. I learned that there is no
fate, just coincidences. - Justastrangernow

@justastrangernow: Not 100% certain you are
writing to me. I wrote something similar to a
man I care for, but not a year ago. I read your
response to @feelingalone & I’m still not sure,
but do want to reach out. Maybe you should try
calling her. I know I’ve thought about calling him,
but I’m scared of rejection. I miss having him as a
work husband, miss his charm, sense of humour.
I’m urging you to get past her not responding
to your S/O, as you can’t be certain she read it.
He has been out of sight for 6 months, but I still
think of him. We had something that comes once
in a lifetime. It’s a shame ... @still your sweetie

justastrangernow: it’s hard when you fall for
someone who is in love with someone else.
It’s harder when you think they loved you but
realize too late that they never really cared @
feelingalone

Hey Justastrangernow: All of us fellows who
are unlucky with the opposite sex are feeling
your pain, man. And since you now have some
free time to ponder whether life is of fate or
coincidence, I propose an ideally suited summer
reading novel to help you along: Bridge of San
Luis Rey, by Thornton Wilder. Georgetown Gord


Not just girls are broken hearted. This is something good, something that should make women believe that love does exists. And on the other side, is a proof to men that women are mean. What is the truth? What should we take as a fact? Maybe there are men out there that might think like this about me. I have been in situations like this before myself. I don't know what to say but sometimes we do fall for the wrong person, and sometimes the wrong person gets closer to us and makes us believe things we should not believe, makes us feel emotions we should not feel for them and makes us fall in love with the person we should not.

Sometimes immersing yourself in that one other person on an otherwise ordinary day, can be the best highlight of the day.They can bring out things in you which may never normally express or feel.I used to have a daily travelling companion and our conversations were sometimes the only thing I used to look forward to. Our talks could be elaborate, stupid, complex and sensual – all at the same time. I miss this person a lot in ways that are hard to define, and I still haven’t found a suitable replacement for my fellow traveller. - Anonymous <3

Who sucked up my energy?

I met some friends during the weekend, to a kid's birthday party. I thought I had fun and as usual, made some jokes here and there. And then, today, I got two emails from two different people, worried about me. One said she mist my jokes and fun and the other one said I have become very quiet.
I am doing a survey about my performance at work, and one of the comments I got was "Express more energy, but not as much as Jeff", where Jeff is this guy that is 24/7 pumped up. He is so energetic that he can't just type, he has some weird gadgets that transforms his talk to writing.
In my head, i was thinking I have become really chatty. I find myself talking all the time at work and with my friends. So I am trying to figure out what is going on here and as I read back what they said, I see that they are not saying I am not talking. They are saying I have less energy than before.
WHO SUCKED UP MY ENERGY?
In my new job, I am dealing a lot with coaching and being coached. While I have taken the coaching seriously, I had a bit of resistance being coached. The group that is coaching me is made up of an experienced coach and a bunch of apprentices. The apprentices are all kids that just finished MBA, but dressed in contractor suits all day they look older. They are maybe 10 years younger than me but have the attitude "Listen to me, this is how it must be done". I have a problem with that. Pisses me off!!
So I took a position where I almost ignored them, especially a couple of them. I chose to talk with only a couple that didn't come with that attitude and actually knew how to talk and what to say.
On the other side, with my team members, we used our lunch time to vent off all the "Us vs. Them" issues we faced day in- day out.
One of the books I started reading for my new job, explained me something: There are 3 levels of coaching: Follow the rule, Break the rule, Be the rule.
I read it as just one of the things explained in the book, but then after that, it hit me. These guys, see us as contingent that MUST Follow the rule! While, we were hired to BE the rule. So we are constantly heading each-other. They do not want us to even Break the rule, just Follow the rule.
I am tired of this and I find myself constantly breaking the rule and trying to be the rule. But then I watched an episode of "The pitch". The story was about 2 ad companies competing to win the marketing role on a company that was focused on women products. One ad company was made by women, 100%. The other one was made by men with one women. The women from that team did all the right questions to push these guys to the right path of thinking. At the end she came up with the right pitch and they won. The company with 99% men won over the company made 100% by women, over an ad for women products!!! And guess what! The asswholes did not even recognize her contribute. They did not say "We won this because of you"! They actually complained about her way of debating with them and pushing them with questions and discussions!
I think I am probably doing the same for my team. I am being that women that pushes them until they make the right decision but because of my "feisty-ness" I am not recognized. So, I am getting to a point where I am stepping once notch back and let the others in my team step it one notch up. I am losing my energy! I am losing my attitude to talk and doubt everything I hear. Good/Bad?
The good part is that I will probably make it to recover my reputation at work. The bad thing is that I am losing my reputation with my friends. I am drained!

Shout Out or S/O

If you read my previous blog, you should know by now that on my way back home, I get this small magazine "Tonight" that has a complicated Sudoku. That was all I cared about that magazine, until one day when I finished Sudoku before arriving at my station. Just so I don't want to look like I am checking out the people around, I thought I'd have a look at the other pages there, so I started from the end. There was a section called Shout Outs, 2 pages. I start reading and I couldn't belive my eyes!! That is a new social media, but not electronic.. a paper social media! Since then, now I read that section every day! Here some fun ones:
"To the lady that was yesterday at the LSW train, in her early 60. I think you are lovely. I am in my 20, brown and would love to tap on your experience ;)"
"I would love to meet you and dance with you in the rain. You shirtless and me wrapped in a sari! Are you strong enough to take me away from my evil uncle that wants me to marry this other guy"
"I saw you on Wednesday on subway. You got off on Glencarin station. You had a pair of tiger skin, high heels. All I want is to see you on those shoes. The Suit"
"Keep your feet that smell like sweat, cheese, disgusting dirt on your shoes until you get home!"
"Read something, don't just look out of the window"
"To all the people that see a pregnant women standing and pretend they are sleeping. Get up and give your seat!"
"You were wearing greenish pants, were listening to your music and were on Erindale station at 8:15am on Tuesday. I think you are too handsome and I would love to go out with you for a coffee. toshytoaskyouout"
"I am a women in my early 50, look like in 40, still with a strong drive. Where can I meet men of my age that are still in good health and still have a drive? NotLookingtobeaCougar"
and then the next day the answer:
"I am a man in late 50, still have my own teeth, in good health, lots of my own hair and lots of drive. Would love to meet women like you"
"To the person that left a note on my windshield with the license plate of the person that hit my car at the parking lot yesterday, a big thank you!"

And then there are some more on cats, some soccer related ones lately that Euro2012 is going on, some environment ones...All I can say, this is fun :) I read today that someone thanked S/O because she re-met her love by writing here and now she thinks that some things are meant to be! There are some open ones "Succesful guy, in my early 40, take good care of myself, divorced, no kids. I take LWS lane at 5:10 on the last car. Let me know if you are on the same train and we can talk"

All I can say is that people are looking for "love" everywhere possible. They spent ~1hour or more every day on the train. Why not find someone to make that hour interesting, to make that hour the one that gives them a reason to wake up in the morning. Maybe work, or school or problems are just all around us and we NEED 1 hour a day to forget them, get lost in something else. If it becomes something sweet and nice, why not leave the "evil uncle and dance in the rain" together!! At the end of the day, we all are good inside, looking for a way to let others see inside us.

Addictions

I have always believed that I am not addicted to anything. Even if I get addicted to something, I can stop it right away if I would want to. I have a hard time trusting people that say they can't stop some addiction. I believe that it can be done if you really want to. So it is not about "I can't" but is more about "I don't want to yet". While back, when I used to take the train at work, I started playing Sudoku on the daily newspaper. I was really into it and I wanted to always finish it during the time I was on train (30 minutes ride). Then, someone that used to take the train with me, made me realize that Sudoku had become an addiction for me. Instead of talking with someone, or read, or listen music or just watch out the window, I had a "mission" and I had to finish Sudoku. Then things changed and I started driving at work. So I didn't have any more access to the daily newspaper and I didn't have time during the day to find and complete a Sudoku. I thought I was healed and Sudoku was not an addiction any more. It just happened that I had to update my cellphone and the new phone I got...guess what... had Sudoku built-in. I did find myself getting back to it any time I was somewhere with nothing but the cellphone to do something. I remember one night, when my mom was in hospital after she had put the pacemaker on. I was tired after a long week, very stressful, very cold(was winter) and at around 8 pm, when they called for all visitors to leave the hospital, I stopped at the hospital door and I asked myself, "Do I want to go right away home?". I thought of my house that was upside down (for a week, 2 men and 1 child had been living wild), and all I wanted was a bit of my time for me. At that time of night, there is not much I could do, so I just turned back to a Tim Horton inside the hospital, I took a hot chocolate and just sat on a table at the corner. I had my cellphone with me and I started a very difficult level of Sudoku. It took me about 45 minutes to finish that and the chocolate. After that, I felt good. Got up and went home. Now I am back on taking the train to work. Back to the opportunity of the morning newspaper. Back to the addiction of Sudoku. But not just that. Just like everything, newspapers have evolved as well. There is a morning newspaper, but there is an evening one as well. Sudoku in the morning is easier than the one in the evening. BUT... in the morning, there is a new puzzle game, Cryptocipher. It a sentence where the letters are encrypted. All you get is a sentence with a bunch of letters and the decryption of one of the letters, for example N=P all over the sentence. So based on this, one should decrypt the whole sentence. So, my morning now consists on finishing the not so difficult Sudoku and then work on the cryptocipher. Some days I manage to finish both in 33 minutes (the length of the train ride). Some days I might not finish the cryptocipher. My evenings are focused on finishing the difficult Sudoku. If by any chance I get to finish that before my stop, I get back to the cryptocipher that I was not able to finish in the morning. It is helpless. I completely understand that I am addicted to puzzle games and there is very little I can do about it. One thing is to stop taking newspapers. But I would be bored to death for 30 minutes on the train. You can say I should read. Yes I agree, that would be the smart choice. But the books I should read are for learning, not for fun. And that's why, I am not really excited to read them. I find more excitement in finishing the games than in reading for an exam. Puzzles are ruining my day. I am addicted and I know it.

Re-connect

On many long journeys have I gone. And waited, too, for others to return from journeys of their own. Some return; some are broken; some come back so different only their names remain. --YODA, Dark Rendezvous

I am afraid that I am the last case in the mind of someone I re-met lately. There is no need to say a lot. When compared with before, you can say we might be the same and able to talk with each-other like then. But I felt it, was not. I think I am the one that has changed and didn't tell him I had changed. The thing is that, until now I didn't know I was changed either. We had to re-meet so I could be able to compare myself before and now. I have changed without understanding. Every thing that happens in our lives, changes us in a way or another. And lately, there has been a lot in my life. A friend of mine was telling me that his mother had a stroke and he was really touched and loaded with a lot of emotions about that. I feel for him and I do understand but, I just made a comment "it is his first time on these problems". I was probably rude to say that but I know that when I was going through my mom's first heart intervention, I was like him. Scared, emotional, thinking about how fragile life is. 3 years later, lots of hospitals and visits at doctors, I see these with less emotions and more on the practical side. So I think it is just Darwin's law. Nobody to be blamed or rewarded.