Nice song

Heard this on the radio while going for grocery shopping. Not that is a great song, but once, someone said this to me:
I hit every red light
On my way to your place



I feel old, having memories of the time passed. But then, I feel like 25 years old inside me. Being 25 and have the memories I have... I feel lucky :)

He lacks a touch of real life

I always wanted to have a gay friend. I would have thought of him like my male friend without any sexual intention. But never had and not sure why they didn't like me.
So now, I have a gay guy at work. He is flamboyant gay. I sort of had a "friendly" communication with him. And then at some point, he decided to hide his fat belly under some expensive clothes. Since then, he thinks he has the right to make jokes like "Where did you buy that, at Winners?". And he would show off how soft his cashmere sweater is and how his shirt and tie from Holt Renfrew match. So lame, annoying and if I hear it once more I will snap back "take your cashmere sweater, shove it up your ass! It might relax you!"
Done with the hope of having a gay friend. Now I know why!
Most of them are single and in need for sex. Being like a women, they do have their periods that makes them even more bitchy. Superficial and with very little touch to reality, they live in a different world, which creates a social gap and need for special attention. I say special because a person like me that after work goes home and starts from scratch with kid and parent maintenance, has absolutely no patience and respect for people like him. If gay guys are like him, I do not want to waste time with a friend like that.

A lot and Nothing at the same time

Why didn't I write anything for such a long time?
I was going through a lot.
Then why didn't I write about all these things?
There was nothing to write about them, really.
I can't believe that about 3 months of my life have passed in the blink of an eye, I have done so much, but I feel drained and don't know what to write about all that. To put the lid on this frustration, I want to give some rights to my manager when, after I had been working for about 3 weeks on a project and getting everything going, he asked "So what are you doing on this project?". I wanted to scream but then I knew he was a bit right. I did a lot without actually complaining or asking for any help. And this is what I do every day, at work, at home, with physical people and with virtual people (on FB). I put time, energy, thinking, efforts and I do not complain, advertise, make noise about them. I just get things done and make sure others are not bothered. Just like that I get to hear "What are you doing for that?".
I help my kid with homework and all the activities from school or after school. When I get angry and tired, I raise my voice and I hear "Oh, you don't know how work with the kid, you are pushing her too much!". I have yet to meet a kid that can't wait to do homework. Without push, it ain't gonna happen!
I take my parents into doctor's visits, back and forth on the phone for appointments, follow up with medications, and I hear my brother on the phone telling me from the other side of the ocean how to be patient and careful when I speak with mom, so she doesn't get hurt emotionally.
Where did the 60's went? When all someone had to do was to get the job done and the others will notice, appreciate and promote them for a job well done!!! Why now we have to do the job and so much advertising on top of it? I'm tired... maybe I am not in the right place for me. Maybe I am not the kind of person that handles family well. Looks like I might not be at all where I want to be at this time in my life.
And then, one night, I went with some friends to a Psychic for fun. Girls night out starting with some discount tickets from Deal of the day. She looked me in the eye and said "There is some bad energy around you. You are meant to be much better and you do have the capacity for that. Long time ago, someone put a spell on you, and since then, things are always tough for you.. and will continue to get tougher". Wanted to cry right there but didn't! The worst thing you can say to someone on their death bed is that their life was not complete/fulfilled. That they could have done more with their energy and mental power. I do not want to hear that in my death bed. I want to do more while I can do more .... and take some pills against stress!

Nobody to think of

I guess everyone has been in a situation when you are with someone, but you think of someone else. Sometimes, you have to think of someone else. The game goes "There is a hot girl in bed. Do you want to be the guy she is making love with, or the guy she is thinking she is making love with?". A lot of guys can trip on this question. Off course, girls too when the question stands for a "hot guy".
So the other night, I found myself thinking "Who should I think of right now?". And I got nothing back.
I am not the kind of women that likes to think of being with some movie star. They are hot and well presented, but don't do it for me. I need someone I can touch in real life. I need to be emotionally attached with someone, to be attracted to him. Usually handsome guys have a lot of problems with their attitude and issues with their self confidence. Not for me, thank you very much.
So, right now, in my life, there is nobody that I can think of that will turn me on. Is it because of the place I work where people are like robots? Hard to find a hot guy at work. I have discussed this with 2 colleagues, one girl and one gay guy and they are in the same conclusion, there are no hot guys at work. On the other side, there are no smart, well educated, attractive guys either. They all seem to be assholes.
Is it because the guys that might turn me on haven't been in touch with me in a while and I feel them remote? It can be. I do know guys that at some point in my life I have felt connected and attracted to. And then for a reason or another, they have either changed and I do not feel connected with them anymore. Or they have gone code blue on me and I don't know where they are. Or they talk to me once in a while by email or phone and then silence again. I do not blame any of them. The life is very fast and things move very quickly. I am not able to follow up with them as often as I would want to and I guess they might be in the same situation.
Is it because the weather is getting cold and I am getting cold too? I have to say, I think I know why sunflowers are my favourite flowers. They like sun, just like me. When is sunny and warm, I am happy and have energy and I make others think of me, rather than me need to think of someone. When it is cold, I am a different person altogether. More productive at work maybe but not on the personal level.
Can be any of these, or all of the above. And frankly, is not that I see it as a big problem. Was just a surprise to realize that the number of guys that I can feel connected and attracted to right now, is zero, actually 0.0 to be precise. Wow! Where did all the guys go? Did I feel like this when I was single? Maybe that's why I was ok to get married when I found someone decent. I thought at that time that I would never find a better one. Truth being told, I have meet other guys after my wedding that I could have considered if I was single. But at that point was not even necessary to take that path of thinking. And then, all of a sudden, I find myself unable to think of someone. I am back on understanding the boys from the single girl prospective.

When it rains, it pours

Or maybe the "the series of unfortunate events" for me. November was just horrible. I spent my birthday at hospital, having only one wish, for the doctor to take my dad to surgery that day. My dad had a minor heart attack and ended up having an angioplast. And then, the follow up with the family doctor. And then was an eye surgery, again for my dad, booked since May. And then the follow up. And then I had a car accident, someone hit me and then left the scene before police arrived. Another guy that was in the car pretended to be the driver. I got a ticket that will cost me a lot after calculating the lawyer that will take care of my case in court, paying to fix his and my car so we do not call insurances and all related to that. So I decided to start taking Go train. And then I got a parking ticket. And then my daughter was sick. After 1 week the doctor said that is pneumonia. She started antibiotics and feeling better. And then, just when i thought November was gone and my life should start looking better, I get a ticket for turning on a small road before 6:30pm. The sign is almost un-readible, in my mind I had it that the limit was for 6:00, my car was showing 6:15, I turned, the cop stopped me.. and a whole bunch of others before me and after me. This means more headache, more work for my lawyer to take this to court, more money wasted. It sucks! Right before christmas when I know I will spend for gifts, there I go and waste a whole bunch of money on cops and lawyer and car.
The horoscope tells me that I should be good because karma will help me. I have been really good with others, and this freaking karma is not being on my side at all. I am angry with myself, angry with the guy that hit me and left, angry with the doctor that waited 1 week until my daughter got really sick, angry with my husband that didn't pick up today the parts that I had ordered to fix my car, angry with the money that I am wasting, angry with my mom that gets worried very easy and prays every night asking very little back (I mean, if you pray, ask right, why stay short!), angry with guys at work that seem to drag their feet all day rather than get things done, angry with my daughter's teachers that think she is not responsible, angry with my daughter's karate teacher that tells me she hasn't been to karate, even when I explain to her that she has been sick, angry with the weather that is cold and rainy and snow, angry with people that leave parties, angry with people that do not leave their houses to socialize with their friends, angry that I can't be more in the mood to talk with my parents softer, angry with myself that I haven't been in the mood to be nicer to my daughter when she says "No" to everything I say, angry with ... everything, angry with the whole WORLD!

There were some good moments too in November. A lot of people wished me happy birthday and a lot of good things (although nothing so far), my husband bought me a nice necklace from Tiffany's, my dad had a new heart and a new eye that makes him see much better, I organized a part with a couple of other people and it was a success (I danced like there was no tomorrow), I went to yoga classes a couple of times (free ones at work), one of the guys that really bothers me at work was not there for a couple of weeks, one of my friends had a little baby boy (the next day after my accident).
It is not all dark pitch black, there are some white dots, but still, I am angry with myself and the whole World! Don't know what to do to forget and forgive myself. I don't think I can. I can't even sleep thinking about all this and worry even more and get angrier. I am disappointed with myself. Need therapy, need a psychiatrist. For a while I couldn't even cry. I wanted to but couldn't. And then I watched some crap movies and I started crying with those stories, but helped me to cry for myself. Crying is good, but must be when parents are not around or my mom will lower even more her asking on her prayers.
Time will sort things out, I know. Until then, I am angry without knowing how not to be angry.

Your mom did!

On my way back home tonight, I took a shortcut through an area full of medical buildings. I believe one of them offers abortions. I believe so, because, I saw some people patrolling the area with some sings in their hands or hanging on their necks, making comments against abortion. One of them said "Choose life. Your mom did" and there was the picture of a young-ish women hugging a young girl.
I assume that that sign is addressed, 99% of cases to women.
I still have to meet a girl that doesn't argue, discuss, raises voice, fights and sometimes even hates her mom.
We start doing this since we are young. Mom's are always the ones that tell girls what to do, at what time, how to do it properly, how not to forget to do it..properly, and all over again, the same thing everyday. Moms are the ones that drive us nuts, sometimes setting us up to extremes like "I know that is the right thing to do but I will not do it just because my mom told me to". Moms are the ones that make our lives a hell during teenage years. Then we start ignoring them and try to go as far away from them as we can. We always need them, we want to know they are there, because we know that, when shit happens, they will help. They will help and talk to us about it, tell us how not to be in that situation again, how we are not thinking things through, how we are not being careful..up to the point that we will regret that we asked for their help. But then we will forget. Moms are always there, like that medication that we know it is bad and tastes like hell, but it is good for us.
And then we become moms. And we do the same to our daughters. Without knowing, we start telling them how to do things right, how to take care of their room, how to listen, how to do homework on time, how to wear things we think are the right clothes to wear, and so on.
I think the war between moms and daughters is one of the most powerful engines of the humanity. Because we are angry with our moms, we rage, we explode, we make changes, and we try new paths. Because our daughters are angry with us, they will find ways to prove us wrong, they will get closer to dads and learn the men side of things, they will take from us only things that we do not force to them, they will chose to do the opposite of what we want, they will chose to drive us nuts.
Women, all their lives, argue with their moms and their daughters. This is how we evolve. This is how we love and hate. This is how we try to become someone else, better. This is how we fight the fear that we will become our mom when we grow up.
So, reading that sign tonight, made me think that a women will probably go and have an abortion, just because someone is telling her that her mom didn't!
Choose your messages right please!!

Up in the air

I took a long trip back home, just for one week, to be on a wedding. A very close friend, got married with my cousin. To save on money and to make the trip entertaining, I arranged to have a stop in Frankfurt, spend some time with my brother's family. It turned out to be one of the worst trips I have ever been. First the flight was delayed. The delay made me lose the connection. After screaming on the phone and face to face with airline agents, I made it to get to another airplane leaving in 30 minutes. And then when I arrived in Frankfurt, I found that the other ticket to get home, was booked for the right date and time, but wrong month. Imagine a trip where after each stop, you wait for a new surprise to come your way and get you into another problem. I made it to go home after 55 hours, with 6 stops. The only good thing about this was that I meet my nephews for longer than I had planned.
1 week back home is short. So much to do, so many to meet, so many you want to meet and try to meet but you can't. You see how people that were very close 2 years ago, now are a bit cold with each-other, for reasons you can't understand. You see how people have shifted their opinions and interests. You are faced with rumours, intrigues, jealousies, ignorance, bad will and on the same time, right on the other side of the same coin, with love, too much care, extra attention, good desires and professional growth. It is all there, in the same place.
I walked around with the hope to meet someone I knew. Didn't happen. I found myself a stranger.
I called people to meet them casually, not possible. Had to leave appointments.
I wanted to see my cousins all making silly jokes around a table. Didn't happen. Words were said to make a point, or respond to a possible insult.
I was tired but I wanted to see more. It is always that feeling that somewhere, somehow, I will find a piece of my past. I will teleport myself back in time, and laugh again with silly jokes, walk around and see faces I know, rumours are an important topic to discuss, and you could always drop by the bar/caffe and find someone you know.
Interesting was the presence of my friend (the groom) in that environment. And on top of that, a couple, his friends, from where I live. It made me put myself in another dimension, where countries were mixed, languages were switched on the spot, jokes were only for a few that understood the context, fun was different, love was spread in multiple touches and there were sprinkles of remoteness/ long distance on everything.
One week passed by quickly. Time to get back home, or better say, to the home where my husband and daughter are. Again, i was up for a long trip with a lot of stops.
At some point, during a long flight, when the airplane was over the ocean, I felt free. Free like a bird in the compete sense of it.
Up in the air, in between homes, in between families, in between countries, in between languages, in between friends, in between hugs, in between kisses, in between memories, in between desires, in between things to do, between weather temperatures, I found myself free. I knew that as soon as I would touch land I had to rush somewhere, do something, call someone. But up there, I even confused From with To where I was going. I wanted that trip to last and keep me in the air longer. I didn't want to land, I wasn't ready to land. I felt uncompleted, undone and with an enormous desire to cry from the heart. Outside, was constantly daytime, the bright light of sun was constantly reminding me that I wasn't dreaming. It was the first time where I wished the airplane would go around the World in the long direction, or take me for another ride after the stop, or that nobody was waiting for me and I could just get on another trip, and nobody knew where I was. I wanted to hide from everyone, I wanted to push a Pause button to the World below and stay up in the air inside that airplane. I didn't know who I was and who I wanted to be. I felt small and big. I felt loved and forgotten. I felt desired and eliminated. I could find a lot of reasons to stop the airplane and the same number of reasons to keep it going.
If that is what LCD did to Steve Jobs, I want some of it, often.