Current status

4 more weeks before 2015
I have now a new house, all mine
I have $400K debt
I have $4k in my account
There will be 4 people living in the new house
Hope another one will move in soon
Everyone depends on me
I am tired. Have been doing a lot to get in the house
I bought a lot of new things, starting the house from scratch
I carried them all inside the house by myself or with some help
I am giving myself a second chance in love
I have told very few people about my separation and new house
I haven't told yet my daughter about the separation and this is the thing that concerns me the most now
Should be drinking but will go sleep instead

A big change in my life

Last year I attended a conference at this time of the year. This year I went to the same conference again.
Last year, when I returned, I went with my husband and daughter for dinner before going home from airport. This year we went for dinner to the same place on the way home from airport.
Last year I met a guy at the conference. This year I met him again and I introduced him with my daughter (she came with me this year at the conference)
Last year, during the dinner on the way home from airport, I was talking to my husband and my daughter but I was thinking about this other guy and feeling unsure on how to go on with him. This year, during the dinner on the way home from airport, I was talking to my husband and daughter but I was still thinking about this other guy and feeling sure about him and about what I had to do with my husband.
Last year, on the way back from the conference I felt like a cheater. This year on the way back from the conference I felt that my divorce was necessary.

Yes. Divorce. It is such a heavy word and comes with so many emotions. I had thought about divorce before but was something that "other" could do it, not me. Raised in a traditional family, divorce was a tabu to even think about. My mom has put a lot of bad things about divorce in my head that had made me lived in a marriage where I wasn't happy, completed or growing. But I continued staying and pushing days by, thinking this will be worth it at some point, that this is good for my daughter to grow up in a family that stays together, that all marriages are like this, that at the end of the day my husband loves me although he doesn't show it. I had brought up this topic before with my family and they did their best to push this idea down and tell me all the benefits of staying married. At the end they did say that if things were really bad then I could divorce but was not the ideal solution. I had brought up this topic even with my husband before but he never took it seriously. He thought I am the kind of women that tries to fix things, not break up. He was right. I did that for 13 year we have been together. But he didn't see that things kept breaking and breaking and they were at a point where even Crazy Glue wouldn't help much.
And then I met this guy. I wasn't looking for anybody. From what I know now, he has been looking to find someone compatible for a long time. Just like me he was in an unhappy marriage.
But he has a fine sense of knowing people. And he knew right away that we were pretty compatible. I didn't. My female senses let me think that he was someone worth meeting, talking, getting to know close, but I was not looking for more. I had put myself in a box where I was keeping myself away from guys that would be interested in me in ways that were not professionally related. He came close, he insisted, he found ways to talk to me and make me talk to him, he found ways to get to know me and to let me know about him. He decided to change a lot of things in his life and make his path walk toward mine. During the past year he divorced, lost a lot of weight, changed his life style, and keeps making plans to bring his life into mine. During the past year, he got really close to me, he covered me with dreams and hopes, he made me look ahead to better ways of being with someone, he made me believe that my daughter will be ok, he made me believe that I am beautiful, smart and worth it. He gave me courage, support, love and a new look at life.
During the past year, I went through a lot of stress. And now I am here, completely open to everyone. I told my husband about all this and I told him that I want to split. It was liberating to get that out of my chest. It did bring other kind of stress. I had to now go through the process of bringing my husband to the same level of understanding how broken our marriage was and that our daughter will be ok if we handle this in a friendly way. For a while I was in a place where I had two men that loved me and that were doing their best to make me pick one of them. Sounds great but it rather is a great stress. And then my husband gave up and accepted that it was over between us.
Now we are in the process of separating. Who keeps what, when will we move out, how will our daughter spend time with both of us, splitting finances, etc. One thing we agree is to not use lawyers. We are hopping to manage to do all this in a friendly way and in agreement. It will be tough because at some point one of us might feel hurt or find something unfair. It's a process that needs patience and considerations.
I am ending one big chapter of my life. It was an important chapter. A lot of things happened to me during this time. No regrets at all.
I will start a new chapter in my life. I am excited and cautious at the same time. I don't want to mess up again. I don't want to end up in a relationship where I will stay just because splitting is a lot of work to do or because I would lose my self confidence in being able to have a relationship. I have a lot of lessons learned from my last 13 years that I hope I will be smart enough to not repeat the mistakes again. At the end, I want to be happy and I want my daughter to see how a good relationship looks like.
Wish me luck!

A trip and a memory

We decided to have a short family vacation, going to visit the in-laws. They live in Nova Scotia, so that should be enough to say that they are ok and deserve the in-laws rather than out-laws label. Took a flight on Friday night and spent the Saturday in Halifax. After that, we drove to their place, about 40 minutes and spent 4 days there.  

Halifax
If you have never been there, it might not look like anything special until you go by the harbor front. That is because they are doing a lot of constructions around the city now. We started with a trip to Citadel, the fortress at the top of the hill. A star shaped fortress that was build to protect the city. As a matter of fact, Halifax was never attacked. Nobody has tried because was a loss from the beginning. The tour guide, Mr. Adam, was really knowledgeable. He has been writing a book for 10 years and he promised us that it will be published in the next 20 years :). We happened to be there at noon, and as per the tradition, the canon was fired and, as per what the locals say, nobody is awake after that in Halifax. Then for lunch, we met an old friend that we used to work with. Was so nice to see him and catch up. He looks happy and I am happy for him. He moved there, after 1 year got divorced, and after another year started dating someone that sounds like a nice girl for him. They build their own house that we went to visit on our way back and was really gorgeous. You could tell that he put a lot of love on that house, on every corner of it and on every detail that was still to be finished. After that, we went down to harbor front. It is so beautiful there. Maybe because the weather was also sunny and warm, it just made that area so inviting. We went on a museum boat, on the real museum and then took the tour with Harbor Hopper, an amphibian vehicle from the Vietnam war, now changed and dressed up to be used for tourist. US made 900 of them for $900M. The guide was Max, a student at the Halifax Uni. He really knew a lot about the city. A couple of times he made me cry with the stories he told us.

 Story 1
Captain Cornwallis came from Cape Breton to find a place where to build a strong fortress. When he landed to the harbor, he walked up to the hill and decided that that was the best place to build a fortress and a city. But he needed people. So he went back and he started recruiting. "I will offer you free land" - nobody came. "I will offer you free food for 1 year" - nobody came. "I will offer you free Wifi" - nobody came :D. "I will offer you free booze for 1 year" - next day 2500 people were ready to follow him.

Story 2
The most respected Mayor, had his own brewery, called after him, Alexander Keith. When the city was celebrating something I forgot, the Mayor at that time, decided to close the bars and pubs so the people wouldn't get drunk and make a mess. People got angry about that and went around the city and started destroying bars and shops. Until Keith decided to open the doors of his brewery and people celebrated in peace. I thought that was a dumb decision from that Mayor. The city was build by people bribed with booze. How can you expect them to celebrate something without booze??!!! Alexander Keith's grave is on the graveyard across the Garden. We went there and we found a lot of beer cans that people had put around :)

 Story 3
During the war, the city would put a net on the water to keep the boats from offloading on harbor during night time. The net would be removed in the morning. On December 6, 1917 a french boat full of ammunition rushed to get to harbor after waiting all night behind the net, hiding what they had on board. A boat full with medications was eager to leave because missed to leave on time the night before and now was late. During the rush, the two boats hit each-other and the french boat went BOOOM. The biggest disaster ever happened to the city. Thousands of people died, thousands were injured and thousands were blinded by the flying glass. On top of that, that day the city had one of the worst snow storms of the history. Someone, Morse-ed out a message for help. People in Boston caught the message, filled up a train with medications, doctors and even Harvard students that were not doctors yet, and came to help. As a Thank you sign of appreciation, every year, on Christmas time, Halifax city sends to the city of Boston, the biggest Christmas tree they have on the forest nearby.

Story 4
Howe was a journalist that called out a lot of the corruptions going on on the government. So they arrested him. He decided to defend himself and for 6 hours, he spoke non-stop, giving examples of what was going on. At the end, the Chief Police apologized to him publicly and he was a free man. After some years, he became the Premier of Nova Scotia.

Story 5
Remember the canon that goes Boom every noon? That happened during G8, when all leaders were lined up to have a picture. They all thought they were being attacked and they were halfway to Peggy's Cove by the time they explained the tradition. Needless to say, they will not have another gathering of World Leaders there anytime soon.

Back to Halifax. Another thing to try there is donairs. Max told us that when Bill Clinton was there, he liked it so much that he got a lot of it, frozen, back with him to White House. But I had decided to eat only seafood.... and beaver's tails .... and awesome ice cream. Have to say, it is a city with a lot of history, comfort food and during winter, full of students.

At the in-laws 
They live in a small town, that during night is very quite and doesn't have very bright lights. You can stare at stars at night and feel small like a grain of sand. The goal was to spend some time with them and get my daughter to understand that there are more people in the world that love her and that she should love and respect. There is an aunt there that is very sweet to us. She never forgets to send a Christmas card. So we decided to go and visit her. Tuesday was what worked best for all of us. So we went for a visit to Peggy's cove, stopped for a nice meal at a cute restaurant by the side of the ocean and then drove to her house. Her house is on a small strip of land surrounded by water on East and West. She and her husband were so happy to see us. They took us around for a tour to the backyard that was at the Indian harbor. Just amazing view! She is 72, full of energy and ideas for future. She paints, a hobby she found late in her life but she is now a real painter. She took us around her lovely house and showed us the paintings all over the walls. We got one of her paintings and she signed it on the back, with the date and with a sweet message about our visit. She told us a lot of history about the family tree. Some stories not even my in-laws knew! We asked her to put all of those stories down and create the family tree. She promised she will do that! Around 7 pm we left her place. We hugged and we waved bye. The next morning, her husband called to tell us that she passed away last night, at the hospital, after a fall.
I still cannot believe she is gone. I still have her in front of me, hugging her husband and waving us goodbye while we were driving away from her driveway one night before. I cannot understand how all the energy in that women, all the plans that she had to visit some new places, all the paintings that she was planning to make .. are all gone just like that! The painting we got from her is now in our house and her writing is on the back, with her lovely message and the date we visited her, one day before she passed away. I know she is in somewhere nice, peaceful and by the ocean. It will be the first Christmas we will not get a card from her. RIP!

Spending time with in-laws is good. We got to cook Clam chowder and that was an event where everyone did something. Food always gets people together. 3 generations contributed into that chowder and it came out to be really yummy.
One day we went to a corn maze. One day to the pool. Every night we had deers visiting the backyard and eating the seeds left on the bird-feeder. One night when the sly was clear we saw the International Space Station flying by.  Now I know where my husband's first girlfriend house is, where he got drunk before prom, what window did he use to sneak out at night, and what did he used to do to get out of mowing the lawn.
We played darts, we drank, we ate, we cried and we laughed.

A Blah day

What a day! In the morning, everything went fine, like a well oiled machine. I woke up, prepared the lunch bag for my kid, chose what to wear, left home at a decent time, read some nice articles on the train and went to work at a decent time. Answered some emails, started some work that I had on my To Do list, scratched a couple, had a nice lunch and then my manager told me that he has a good news. I will be promoted to Signor level and my salary will go up. Me and a couple other people on my team, have been asking for an increase for a long time. Although this is a good news, it is not as good as we expected because the increase is not where we were aiming to be. So I am left with a desire to move out of this place. On the way back, I didn't read anything on the train, I was just thinking about my options and what to do. Start finding another job, I am tired of that. Continue staying with at this job, hurts me when I think that there are people at my work that can't select text, and make more than I do. Arrived home and my kid said: I think the hamster is dead! I said, let's go to karate and will check later. So we ran to karate class and I was thinking what to tell her when we get back home. While she was at the dojo, called my husband and asked him to handle the dead hamster before we get home. I kept thinking about my job. We came home and my husband had put the hamster on a small plastic box, wrapped with tin foil and inside the freezer. We can keep the hamster there until we decide how the funeral will be done. While checking my social stream, I noticed that I had an answer from Space!! A couple of days ago, I asked Col. Chris Hadfield on Twitter to put a picture of my country from up there. He is on a spaceship that orbits Earth 16 times/day. And today he put a picture of my country!! It was really cool, very nice feeling! I thanked him and shared the picture with a lot of my friends.

Looking back, this day was a roller coaster of emotions!

Scanner Daybook

While in a meeting with my team, I confessed that I can't make up my mind where do I want to spend my next 10.000 years of my life. PM? Developer?Coach?Communications? People skills? Until now I have been like a student, learning a lot, never caring about certifications and moving from one career to the other, worried that I do not have a strong future ahead. One of the Senior guys in my team started smiling and said; You are a Scanner! He brought me this book, "Refuse to Choose" by Barbara Sher. I started reading the cover and the Prologue, and I started crying! It was me all over. I have been misunderstood and misdiagnosed until now. I have been beating up myself until now when thinking that I am not good at something, I am all over the place and I am scared about my career. Well, apparently this is something that a lot of people have. Before 50s, people like me were appreciated. But then there was the need for professionals and very focused careers. People like me were seen as unable to commit, unable to focus, not trusted. We were offered methods to find what we should choose and keep being focused at. But how can a Scanner do that? I have always found myself interested in a lot of things, and I can't say which one the most. Because, typical for Scanners, at some point the interest is lost and we move on to something else that is interesting. People like Da Vinci, Aristotle, Ben Franklin have been like this. They were amateurs (meaning lovers of something) but never specialist to it. The things is that, we do not want to finish everything we start. As soon as we become knowledgeable on a field, we loose interest and want to move on to something else. This explains how I feel happy when I start a new job but then I am bored of it and want to change it. One of the exercises to do is to create a Daybook, where every time I have ideas on what to do, I would sit down and write them. When I stop writing, I should put down the reason for stopping. This for 2 weeks. Then I should do a list of things I want to do that are small enough to be done in a period of 6 years. I can write down here the list of things I want to do, and I will write Daybook ideas on other posts. As an extrovert, I need external input to feel motivated :) Here a list of things I would like to do in 6 years: - Learn to play guitar - Visit at least 3 of these countries: England, Spain, China, Japan, Vancouver, Israel(Jerusalem), Sweden, Australia, South Africa - Go through some really good sessions with a psychiatrist (alone or with my husband for couple sessions) - Go through some good sessions with a fortune teller - Sing a song and recorded - Make another dress for myself that I can wear - I would know more about Mars atmosphere - Go to some classes about Quantum mechanics at any University - Throw a Christmas party with a lot of special food I have cooked. - Been to a Lang-Lang concert - Write 2 more short stories - Have the stories that I have written put together on a book - Go on stage on an improvised show - Improve my French - Learn more German - Get back to exercising 3 times a week (karate/swimming/core/yoga) I know, it's all over the place! But I like them all.. and maybe some more that I can't think of right now. I am just glad that at least there is a name for people like me, and I have more to read on what to do about who I am

Update: Jobs I found interesting for me: - Coach. I can talk with different people, teach them something, learn something from them - Speaker at Discovery channel. While I do my job and I read a script, I learn a lot about cool stuff they show on that channel

Vinegar

I am noticing myself lately becoming bitter and assertive. More. Maybe I have always been like this but maybe I have been in different positions when people have expected different things from me. I envy this girl in my team, she is all organized and very on top of the process. I can't be like that, it clashes with my personality. My way of working is to get things done, rather than measure a lot of metrics. I do lack academic-ism and for sure I am more hands on and I value practic-ism I know I am doing something wrong, but for everything I identify as something I did wrong, I can find also a reason behind why I did it so I can justify myself. I am worried that I am working against myself, I am becoming like that strong vinegar that ruins its own container. Until now I have seen the role of a psychoanalyst as a hobby. Now I need it professionally. More for a focus, direction, a simple technique on how to keep my mouth shut, on how to be happier and less grumpy. I hear that a lot of people in my new profession, do have personal coaches. Not just for professional coaching but also personal. I think I need one. It might cost but I can pay it as long as I have a job. Maybe will help me stay in a job. So I am thinking to ask some of the guys that have tried a lot of these coaches to recommend me someone. I don't know what this makes me. Desperate, psychotic, complicated, intellectual, crazy or just plain aware that my brain needs more than what is getting right now. I will try it.

Synonyms

My manager is very creative. When he tries to explain something, he likes to use examples that are supposed to explain a complicated situation in an easy way for someone to understand. "There are different ways to skin a cat" is just one of them that is most common. Here some more:
- Business doesn't want to buy a cat on a box!!! (what he means is Business will buy an application that they know what it does and what supports)
- We need to pave the road so the goat doesn't pee on the rug !!!! ( what he really means is that we need to put a clear road map ahead so that teams are not confused and take over work that is not valuable from the business point of view)
- We must make the cow jump the fence so it can eat the grass!!! ( what he means is that we must guide these teams to focus to what is really important for them in order to be efficient)
- We will not spill the milk from the box, but will use a straw!!! (what he really means is that we will not tell to others everything we know, but bring our knowledge out slowly, when requested or when in need)

He is driving me nuts!! One of my colleagues has found a way around and asks "Can you explain that to me in a different way, please?".
Stay tuned to this post as I will be adding more as soon as I hear it from him!

New Additions
- Tell them what you want, developers, PMs, red leather shoes size 73 by Sunday...(What he really means is that you should make it clear what you need in order to deliver what they ask)
- If no requirements, and they need an axe, build them a bottle and if they don't like it build them another one (What he really means is that you start building something until they realise what they need)
- Need to keep the cat in the box. (What he really means is to keep some secrets and not tell everything we know)

Broken hearts in GO train

Copy-paste from the newspaper that I read every evening on the GO, over 5-6 days in the Shout Out section:

@justastrangernow: did you hear anything?
When I read your S/O it was as if I had wrote it
myself. I starting seeing someone and I thought
he was the one. After a few months, things
changed. I miss him so much. I don’t really know
what to do, and I don’t know why? feelingalone

@feelingalone: No, I haven’t heard from her and
never will. Funny how some people express their
true feelings hoping that the other person will
never know the truth. Out of sight, out of mind
I guess. I use to find a silent comfort in knowing
that I mattered to her, but clearly I don’t matter
any more. No one to blame but myself for clinging
to this stupid hope and falling for a person who
doesn’t care for me. I learned that there is no
fate, just coincidences. - Justastrangernow

@justastrangernow: Not 100% certain you are
writing to me. I wrote something similar to a
man I care for, but not a year ago. I read your
response to @feelingalone & I’m still not sure,
but do want to reach out. Maybe you should try
calling her. I know I’ve thought about calling him,
but I’m scared of rejection. I miss having him as a
work husband, miss his charm, sense of humour.
I’m urging you to get past her not responding
to your S/O, as you can’t be certain she read it.
He has been out of sight for 6 months, but I still
think of him. We had something that comes once
in a lifetime. It’s a shame ... @still your sweetie

justastrangernow: it’s hard when you fall for
someone who is in love with someone else.
It’s harder when you think they loved you but
realize too late that they never really cared @
feelingalone

Hey Justastrangernow: All of us fellows who
are unlucky with the opposite sex are feeling
your pain, man. And since you now have some
free time to ponder whether life is of fate or
coincidence, I propose an ideally suited summer
reading novel to help you along: Bridge of San
Luis Rey, by Thornton Wilder. Georgetown Gord


Not just girls are broken hearted. This is something good, something that should make women believe that love does exists. And on the other side, is a proof to men that women are mean. What is the truth? What should we take as a fact? Maybe there are men out there that might think like this about me. I have been in situations like this before myself. I don't know what to say but sometimes we do fall for the wrong person, and sometimes the wrong person gets closer to us and makes us believe things we should not believe, makes us feel emotions we should not feel for them and makes us fall in love with the person we should not.

Sometimes immersing yourself in that one other person on an otherwise ordinary day, can be the best highlight of the day.They can bring out things in you which may never normally express or feel.I used to have a daily travelling companion and our conversations were sometimes the only thing I used to look forward to. Our talks could be elaborate, stupid, complex and sensual – all at the same time. I miss this person a lot in ways that are hard to define, and I still haven’t found a suitable replacement for my fellow traveller. - Anonymous <3

Who sucked up my energy?

I met some friends during the weekend, to a kid's birthday party. I thought I had fun and as usual, made some jokes here and there. And then, today, I got two emails from two different people, worried about me. One said she mist my jokes and fun and the other one said I have become very quiet.
I am doing a survey about my performance at work, and one of the comments I got was "Express more energy, but not as much as Jeff", where Jeff is this guy that is 24/7 pumped up. He is so energetic that he can't just type, he has some weird gadgets that transforms his talk to writing.
In my head, i was thinking I have become really chatty. I find myself talking all the time at work and with my friends. So I am trying to figure out what is going on here and as I read back what they said, I see that they are not saying I am not talking. They are saying I have less energy than before.
WHO SUCKED UP MY ENERGY?
In my new job, I am dealing a lot with coaching and being coached. While I have taken the coaching seriously, I had a bit of resistance being coached. The group that is coaching me is made up of an experienced coach and a bunch of apprentices. The apprentices are all kids that just finished MBA, but dressed in contractor suits all day they look older. They are maybe 10 years younger than me but have the attitude "Listen to me, this is how it must be done". I have a problem with that. Pisses me off!!
So I took a position where I almost ignored them, especially a couple of them. I chose to talk with only a couple that didn't come with that attitude and actually knew how to talk and what to say.
On the other side, with my team members, we used our lunch time to vent off all the "Us vs. Them" issues we faced day in- day out.
One of the books I started reading for my new job, explained me something: There are 3 levels of coaching: Follow the rule, Break the rule, Be the rule.
I read it as just one of the things explained in the book, but then after that, it hit me. These guys, see us as contingent that MUST Follow the rule! While, we were hired to BE the rule. So we are constantly heading each-other. They do not want us to even Break the rule, just Follow the rule.
I am tired of this and I find myself constantly breaking the rule and trying to be the rule. But then I watched an episode of "The pitch". The story was about 2 ad companies competing to win the marketing role on a company that was focused on women products. One ad company was made by women, 100%. The other one was made by men with one women. The women from that team did all the right questions to push these guys to the right path of thinking. At the end she came up with the right pitch and they won. The company with 99% men won over the company made 100% by women, over an ad for women products!!! And guess what! The asswholes did not even recognize her contribute. They did not say "We won this because of you"! They actually complained about her way of debating with them and pushing them with questions and discussions!
I think I am probably doing the same for my team. I am being that women that pushes them until they make the right decision but because of my "feisty-ness" I am not recognized. So, I am getting to a point where I am stepping once notch back and let the others in my team step it one notch up. I am losing my energy! I am losing my attitude to talk and doubt everything I hear. Good/Bad?
The good part is that I will probably make it to recover my reputation at work. The bad thing is that I am losing my reputation with my friends. I am drained!

Shout Out or S/O

If you read my previous blog, you should know by now that on my way back home, I get this small magazine "Tonight" that has a complicated Sudoku. That was all I cared about that magazine, until one day when I finished Sudoku before arriving at my station. Just so I don't want to look like I am checking out the people around, I thought I'd have a look at the other pages there, so I started from the end. There was a section called Shout Outs, 2 pages. I start reading and I couldn't belive my eyes!! That is a new social media, but not electronic.. a paper social media! Since then, now I read that section every day! Here some fun ones:
"To the lady that was yesterday at the LSW train, in her early 60. I think you are lovely. I am in my 20, brown and would love to tap on your experience ;)"
"I would love to meet you and dance with you in the rain. You shirtless and me wrapped in a sari! Are you strong enough to take me away from my evil uncle that wants me to marry this other guy"
"I saw you on Wednesday on subway. You got off on Glencarin station. You had a pair of tiger skin, high heels. All I want is to see you on those shoes. The Suit"
"Keep your feet that smell like sweat, cheese, disgusting dirt on your shoes until you get home!"
"Read something, don't just look out of the window"
"To all the people that see a pregnant women standing and pretend they are sleeping. Get up and give your seat!"
"You were wearing greenish pants, were listening to your music and were on Erindale station at 8:15am on Tuesday. I think you are too handsome and I would love to go out with you for a coffee. toshytoaskyouout"
"I am a women in my early 50, look like in 40, still with a strong drive. Where can I meet men of my age that are still in good health and still have a drive? NotLookingtobeaCougar"
and then the next day the answer:
"I am a man in late 50, still have my own teeth, in good health, lots of my own hair and lots of drive. Would love to meet women like you"
"To the person that left a note on my windshield with the license plate of the person that hit my car at the parking lot yesterday, a big thank you!"

And then there are some more on cats, some soccer related ones lately that Euro2012 is going on, some environment ones...All I can say, this is fun :) I read today that someone thanked S/O because she re-met her love by writing here and now she thinks that some things are meant to be! There are some open ones "Succesful guy, in my early 40, take good care of myself, divorced, no kids. I take LWS lane at 5:10 on the last car. Let me know if you are on the same train and we can talk"

All I can say is that people are looking for "love" everywhere possible. They spent ~1hour or more every day on the train. Why not find someone to make that hour interesting, to make that hour the one that gives them a reason to wake up in the morning. Maybe work, or school or problems are just all around us and we NEED 1 hour a day to forget them, get lost in something else. If it becomes something sweet and nice, why not leave the "evil uncle and dance in the rain" together!! At the end of the day, we all are good inside, looking for a way to let others see inside us.

Addictions

I have always believed that I am not addicted to anything. Even if I get addicted to something, I can stop it right away if I would want to. I have a hard time trusting people that say they can't stop some addiction. I believe that it can be done if you really want to. So it is not about "I can't" but is more about "I don't want to yet". While back, when I used to take the train at work, I started playing Sudoku on the daily newspaper. I was really into it and I wanted to always finish it during the time I was on train (30 minutes ride). Then, someone that used to take the train with me, made me realize that Sudoku had become an addiction for me. Instead of talking with someone, or read, or listen music or just watch out the window, I had a "mission" and I had to finish Sudoku. Then things changed and I started driving at work. So I didn't have any more access to the daily newspaper and I didn't have time during the day to find and complete a Sudoku. I thought I was healed and Sudoku was not an addiction any more. It just happened that I had to update my cellphone and the new phone I got...guess what... had Sudoku built-in. I did find myself getting back to it any time I was somewhere with nothing but the cellphone to do something. I remember one night, when my mom was in hospital after she had put the pacemaker on. I was tired after a long week, very stressful, very cold(was winter) and at around 8 pm, when they called for all visitors to leave the hospital, I stopped at the hospital door and I asked myself, "Do I want to go right away home?". I thought of my house that was upside down (for a week, 2 men and 1 child had been living wild), and all I wanted was a bit of my time for me. At that time of night, there is not much I could do, so I just turned back to a Tim Horton inside the hospital, I took a hot chocolate and just sat on a table at the corner. I had my cellphone with me and I started a very difficult level of Sudoku. It took me about 45 minutes to finish that and the chocolate. After that, I felt good. Got up and went home. Now I am back on taking the train to work. Back to the opportunity of the morning newspaper. Back to the addiction of Sudoku. But not just that. Just like everything, newspapers have evolved as well. There is a morning newspaper, but there is an evening one as well. Sudoku in the morning is easier than the one in the evening. BUT... in the morning, there is a new puzzle game, Cryptocipher. It a sentence where the letters are encrypted. All you get is a sentence with a bunch of letters and the decryption of one of the letters, for example N=P all over the sentence. So based on this, one should decrypt the whole sentence. So, my morning now consists on finishing the not so difficult Sudoku and then work on the cryptocipher. Some days I manage to finish both in 33 minutes (the length of the train ride). Some days I might not finish the cryptocipher. My evenings are focused on finishing the difficult Sudoku. If by any chance I get to finish that before my stop, I get back to the cryptocipher that I was not able to finish in the morning. It is helpless. I completely understand that I am addicted to puzzle games and there is very little I can do about it. One thing is to stop taking newspapers. But I would be bored to death for 30 minutes on the train. You can say I should read. Yes I agree, that would be the smart choice. But the books I should read are for learning, not for fun. And that's why, I am not really excited to read them. I find more excitement in finishing the games than in reading for an exam. Puzzles are ruining my day. I am addicted and I know it.

Re-connect

On many long journeys have I gone. And waited, too, for others to return from journeys of their own. Some return; some are broken; some come back so different only their names remain. --YODA, Dark Rendezvous

I am afraid that I am the last case in the mind of someone I re-met lately. There is no need to say a lot. When compared with before, you can say we might be the same and able to talk with each-other like then. But I felt it, was not. I think I am the one that has changed and didn't tell him I had changed. The thing is that, until now I didn't know I was changed either. We had to re-meet so I could be able to compare myself before and now. I have changed without understanding. Every thing that happens in our lives, changes us in a way or another. And lately, there has been a lot in my life. A friend of mine was telling me that his mother had a stroke and he was really touched and loaded with a lot of emotions about that. I feel for him and I do understand but, I just made a comment "it is his first time on these problems". I was probably rude to say that but I know that when I was going through my mom's first heart intervention, I was like him. Scared, emotional, thinking about how fragile life is. 3 years later, lots of hospitals and visits at doctors, I see these with less emotions and more on the practical side. So I think it is just Darwin's law. Nobody to be blamed or rewarded.

Things I am learning while not working

This will be a post that will grow as I find more things to add to it. I don't want to post a lot of little things since tweeting is not my thing.
1. If you want to work from a library, don't go to one that makes you pay for parking. I was thinking that the main library of the city would be the best. The problem is that you have to pay for parking. The other problem is that, a lot of moms with little children decide to "educate" their kids by bringing them to library. So, it is costly and it is noisy by kids crying. Rather, I found this amazing new library that was just renovated last year. It is located close to the lake and right beside a small park by the river. The inside is really modern with orange and white chairs. The parking is free for 3 hours (fine, I have to take a break after 3 hours anyway) and there are not many moms that come here with children. The ladies that work here do not care to keep the voice low, but at least is not a crying noise that they make. Love to sit by the window walls, lots of light, look at the park and river outside and type away emails to companies and recruiters!

2. Lots of recruiters meet people on coffee shops now.Weird! On my first day out of work, I thought I would take my laptop, go to a Starbucks, have a coffee and a job search. It was hard to find a place to sit because 30 other people had the same idea as me. I couldn't stop overhearing a recruiter and another guy sitting at the table beside me. The guy was applying for a construction engineering position and the recruiter seemed like a very mature engineer. I mostly met my recruiters on their offices but I met one at a coffee shop. I know why. She didn't have an office yet, just started her business. One day, I was in the same situation at a Second cup, where I could hear the 2 recruiters drilling down a candidate with questions. Some where regarding profession some where more into hunting for more people from his company that would be interested to move on to other jobs. I was testing myself on shameless skills. At this point, shame is the worst thing I should have, when searching for job. So when I noticed their meeting was done and they were leaving, I pushed the courage side of myself to jump from the couch I was sitting and asked one of the recruiters to give me his business card. He felt flattered and handed me his last card. Probably thinking I would call him right away. I didn't , because I didn't like him and I thought he might think I was attracted to him (NOT!). But it was a good test to myself.
3. There are some slow days. When I haven't scheduled any meeting with recruiters or companies. There is nothing to follow up, except apply on some positions posted on popular websites. And after all the new openings are checked, some applications are done, nobody has written or called back, AND it is lunch time, feels like another day is wasted. So what to do? Well, first go have lunch. It is good to keep feeding your body with nutritious food or you might get sick (and sick is the last thing you want to be when hunting for job). So go and get something you like, not greasy to put you to sleep, not too much sugar to mess up your energy and not in a smelly-dirty place where you do not like to stay longer than 5 minutes. When this is done and still no new emails or phone calls, it is time to go back to school. Yup, self-school. There is a lot of things to read out there that will help professionally. If there is an objective like a certificate or an exam to take, then that should be the push, the energy you need to make it happen. So use all your afternoon on reading, digging more on that test and maybe book a date for it so the resistance to justify your lazy ass will be futile. I am still working on this on practice, although I am totally in agreement with the theory.
4. Disconnect from email for 2-3 hours. The opportunity will not go away, if it is looking for you, will call your cell phone! Darn the technology sometimes. The books I have to read for the exam I want to take, are digital, which means I read them on my lap-top. This gives me the chance to keep my email window open and every once in a while to look if there is a new email. Guess what, I am not really reading the books, because of the distraction! Close that darn email for a bit and read-really read for 2-3 hours.
5. Libraries are educational places for mentally or physically challenged people (I think I am politically correct putting it like this!). You would think that these people would need more medical or physical attention and activities, but I see them all the time here at the library. Some of them remind me Rain Man (Dustin Hoffman) but some seem to come here just to look outside the window. Usually they are accompanied by someone in full capability of operating around them and with normal people. The problem with that is that sometimes they engage in discussions that are lame and annoying for me that want to focus on reading something (and understanding what I am reading). Then, there are some normal looking people that can't read in their heads. Nope! They have to read loud enough to create an annoying-constant-low-white noise that feels like a fridge buzzing (Karma Police - arrest this men/ he speaks in math/ he buzzes like a fridge.... Love this song!)
6. Horoscopes. Zodiak or Chinese. They become part of your daily job search routine. Just like you go everyday to the job engines and look for new positions, you also go and read your horoscope on a couple of websites. And then you find that all this is happening because Mars was in retrograde. Remember back in November when things started going wrong 360 degrees around me? That's when Mars apparently went in retrograde and finally now is turning on me and I am supposed to expect some good changes. Darn that Mars retrograde!! But on the same page, Pluto is going on retrograde now for me so it is not all easy-peasy yet. With the new moon things might look brighter ..... and this is how you might waste 1 hour from your day, just trying to find who to blame up there. Who is that darn planet that turned the back on me and is making my life lately so miserable and everything I do so hard and complicated. Maybe it feels good after all to know that was all because of Mars and nothing I did wrong.

Don't cry on the mirror

When I gave birth to my daughter, just when I arrived home from hospital, a friend of mine called. She heard about the baby and called to congratulate. She was mother of 2 at that time, so she had a lot to tell me. And during the conversation, between two girl friends, we were talking about the birth, the pain and ultimately, how much our vagina is open to get the baby out, and, ultimately, how the doctors try to tell you ate the end how many stitches they used to "repair" the damage. She said : Don't see yourself until you are healed and you don't have any pain. I made the mistake to see myself with a mirror and I regret it. It was black, like someone had punch me hard, many times. I still have nightmares if I think of it.
For some reasons, this just stayed in my head and I resisted the temptation to use a mirror and see myself. But, every time I hear of someone just giving birth, I remember this conversation.
Lately, I have a desire to cry. Is more of a necessity than just desire. It is my way of getting out all the anger, the suspense, the fight with the unknown, the need for hope and other related feelings. Usually, I do not cry. I keep strong, I ignore cry and I focus on what must be done. But then I reach a point when there is too much inside me and I have to cry. If I can't get a good cry by all the things around me, I just find a movie to watch. Movies make me cry, I admit it. Stories where people love each-other, where people sacrifice for each-other, where kids get their dreams come true, where sickness is healed, where death is something that connects people more, where humanity gets to use their hearts. Yes, I cry. And that would be just the right thing to get me crying. I would go somewhere where nobody can see me and cry until I feel good.
Yesterday, I was crying in the washroom and then I wanted to wash my face. I caught myself crying in the mirror. It was horrible. I wish I didn't. Not just seeing my face all swollen up and my eyes red. It was the idea that I saw myself "down". I saw myself lost, without hope, I felt like failure and not able. Reminded me the vagina story.

I think this would be my nightmare.
P.S. Don't worry, I'm not gonna cut my wrist!!!

March Break in job hunting season

Back to looking for a job. The last place turned out to be a very slave-drive mentality, absolutely no people management skills from anyone. I was planning to stay a little longer and do some self-improvement things like read to take a certificate, give my resume 1 year at one place and so on. But at the end they closed the loop and managed to squeeze a small package. Off course I am pissed off with my manager but at the end, it was probably a favour he made me by letting me out of that place. Everyone around me is telling me that I wasn't happy since I had started there.
So, now I am back into selling myself! What do you do when you want to sell yourself? Prep your resume, go meet recruiters, apply to every possible job you see online that is related to what you are looking, stay positive and happy, and repeat all of this from Monday to Friday. When you are looking for a job, the Friday comes very quickly. You wish people would be working during weekends too. I read somewhere that it is not a good idea to apply on a job or send an email to a recruiter during weekend, because they forget about it when Monday comes and they sit in front of the computer, to respond or follow up. Got some ideas from some of the recruiters. Some are very formal, some are more down to earth, some are un-readable and you have to try to understand what is bothering them while talking with you. Some are young and naive, some are experienced and smooth, some are young and experienced but working under sharks, some are part of teams, some are individuals. After meeting with everyone of them I think "Do they need more clients or more customers?". Clearly, some need more companies that trust them for recruiting. Some might be well plugged but they do not have enough candidates for what they want to fill. And then, there are some recruiters that post "filler jobs". This really pisses me off. These are jobs that request everything I can do, but these are not real jobs. These are jobs to make people apply and so the recruiting company has you on the profile and will check with you when they have something similar from a real company.
On top of all these, I have to do my part as well. Whatever I see posted on job sites, I go for it. I am contacted by recruiters that I have no idea how they found me but they give me right away a job description for a real company and ask me to apply for it if I am interested. Cool!
So on the first 2 weeks, I have left home just like I was going to work and been out to meet people, library, searching online or reading books. One of the reasons to make me do this is the fact that my parents are here with me right now. I have a lot to take care on my own, I really do not want my mom to hear that I am not working right now and make things even more stressful and un-bearable to be at home. I just can't handle more tragedy and her sense of extreme negativity on me. She loves me, I never doubt that, but she is just my opposite in personality and optimism in life.
Everyone tells me that I should take some time off and enjoy myself before start looking for a job. I knew March break was ahead so I thought that might be the time to take some time off. Of course can't really take a lot of time off and go somewhere since I am constantly on emails or phone with people, but I can do things around the house. The weather has been just gorgeous, like it was ordered for this week. One day went to a park, walked a lot in the middle of trees. Glad we didn't face a bear, not many people around to help... somehow... because in front of a bear, everyone would try to figure out a way to save themselves.
One day we went to Bata Museum of Shoes. Now, I know it sounds like I am taking my daughter and teach here the ropes with shoes and shopping. It is not like that at all. It was quite nice and they had a lot of activities for kids. We ended up enjoying some of the arts and crafts tables they had prepare in different pavilions of the museum. What made my run out, was that they had put there Justin Bieber's shoes.. right beside Elvis Priestly's and John Lennon shoes!!!
A couple of days left from March break but I am enjoying it. I wish I knew a job was waiting for me right after this, I would enjoy it even more.
Well, stay tuned! And enjoy the summer! First day of summer today, 3.14 (pi) day was good.

Nice song

Heard this on the radio while going for grocery shopping. Not that is a great song, but once, someone said this to me:
I hit every red light
On my way to your place



I feel old, having memories of the time passed. But then, I feel like 25 years old inside me. Being 25 and have the memories I have... I feel lucky :)

He lacks a touch of real life

I always wanted to have a gay friend. I would have thought of him like my male friend without any sexual intention. But never had and not sure why they didn't like me.
So now, I have a gay guy at work. He is flamboyant gay. I sort of had a "friendly" communication with him. And then at some point, he decided to hide his fat belly under some expensive clothes. Since then, he thinks he has the right to make jokes like "Where did you buy that, at Winners?". And he would show off how soft his cashmere sweater is and how his shirt and tie from Holt Renfrew match. So lame, annoying and if I hear it once more I will snap back "take your cashmere sweater, shove it up your ass! It might relax you!"
Done with the hope of having a gay friend. Now I know why!
Most of them are single and in need for sex. Being like a women, they do have their periods that makes them even more bitchy. Superficial and with very little touch to reality, they live in a different world, which creates a social gap and need for special attention. I say special because a person like me that after work goes home and starts from scratch with kid and parent maintenance, has absolutely no patience and respect for people like him. If gay guys are like him, I do not want to waste time with a friend like that.

A lot and Nothing at the same time

Why didn't I write anything for such a long time?
I was going through a lot.
Then why didn't I write about all these things?
There was nothing to write about them, really.
I can't believe that about 3 months of my life have passed in the blink of an eye, I have done so much, but I feel drained and don't know what to write about all that. To put the lid on this frustration, I want to give some rights to my manager when, after I had been working for about 3 weeks on a project and getting everything going, he asked "So what are you doing on this project?". I wanted to scream but then I knew he was a bit right. I did a lot without actually complaining or asking for any help. And this is what I do every day, at work, at home, with physical people and with virtual people (on FB). I put time, energy, thinking, efforts and I do not complain, advertise, make noise about them. I just get things done and make sure others are not bothered. Just like that I get to hear "What are you doing for that?".
I help my kid with homework and all the activities from school or after school. When I get angry and tired, I raise my voice and I hear "Oh, you don't know how work with the kid, you are pushing her too much!". I have yet to meet a kid that can't wait to do homework. Without push, it ain't gonna happen!
I take my parents into doctor's visits, back and forth on the phone for appointments, follow up with medications, and I hear my brother on the phone telling me from the other side of the ocean how to be patient and careful when I speak with mom, so she doesn't get hurt emotionally.
Where did the 60's went? When all someone had to do was to get the job done and the others will notice, appreciate and promote them for a job well done!!! Why now we have to do the job and so much advertising on top of it? I'm tired... maybe I am not in the right place for me. Maybe I am not the kind of person that handles family well. Looks like I might not be at all where I want to be at this time in my life.
And then, one night, I went with some friends to a Psychic for fun. Girls night out starting with some discount tickets from Deal of the day. She looked me in the eye and said "There is some bad energy around you. You are meant to be much better and you do have the capacity for that. Long time ago, someone put a spell on you, and since then, things are always tough for you.. and will continue to get tougher". Wanted to cry right there but didn't! The worst thing you can say to someone on their death bed is that their life was not complete/fulfilled. That they could have done more with their energy and mental power. I do not want to hear that in my death bed. I want to do more while I can do more .... and take some pills against stress!

Nobody to think of

I guess everyone has been in a situation when you are with someone, but you think of someone else. Sometimes, you have to think of someone else. The game goes "There is a hot girl in bed. Do you want to be the guy she is making love with, or the guy she is thinking she is making love with?". A lot of guys can trip on this question. Off course, girls too when the question stands for a "hot guy".
So the other night, I found myself thinking "Who should I think of right now?". And I got nothing back.
I am not the kind of women that likes to think of being with some movie star. They are hot and well presented, but don't do it for me. I need someone I can touch in real life. I need to be emotionally attached with someone, to be attracted to him. Usually handsome guys have a lot of problems with their attitude and issues with their self confidence. Not for me, thank you very much.
So, right now, in my life, there is nobody that I can think of that will turn me on. Is it because of the place I work where people are like robots? Hard to find a hot guy at work. I have discussed this with 2 colleagues, one girl and one gay guy and they are in the same conclusion, there are no hot guys at work. On the other side, there are no smart, well educated, attractive guys either. They all seem to be assholes.
Is it because the guys that might turn me on haven't been in touch with me in a while and I feel them remote? It can be. I do know guys that at some point in my life I have felt connected and attracted to. And then for a reason or another, they have either changed and I do not feel connected with them anymore. Or they have gone code blue on me and I don't know where they are. Or they talk to me once in a while by email or phone and then silence again. I do not blame any of them. The life is very fast and things move very quickly. I am not able to follow up with them as often as I would want to and I guess they might be in the same situation.
Is it because the weather is getting cold and I am getting cold too? I have to say, I think I know why sunflowers are my favourite flowers. They like sun, just like me. When is sunny and warm, I am happy and have energy and I make others think of me, rather than me need to think of someone. When it is cold, I am a different person altogether. More productive at work maybe but not on the personal level.
Can be any of these, or all of the above. And frankly, is not that I see it as a big problem. Was just a surprise to realize that the number of guys that I can feel connected and attracted to right now, is zero, actually 0.0 to be precise. Wow! Where did all the guys go? Did I feel like this when I was single? Maybe that's why I was ok to get married when I found someone decent. I thought at that time that I would never find a better one. Truth being told, I have meet other guys after my wedding that I could have considered if I was single. But at that point was not even necessary to take that path of thinking. And then, all of a sudden, I find myself unable to think of someone. I am back on understanding the boys from the single girl prospective.

When it rains, it pours

Or maybe the "the series of unfortunate events" for me. November was just horrible. I spent my birthday at hospital, having only one wish, for the doctor to take my dad to surgery that day. My dad had a minor heart attack and ended up having an angioplast. And then, the follow up with the family doctor. And then was an eye surgery, again for my dad, booked since May. And then the follow up. And then I had a car accident, someone hit me and then left the scene before police arrived. Another guy that was in the car pretended to be the driver. I got a ticket that will cost me a lot after calculating the lawyer that will take care of my case in court, paying to fix his and my car so we do not call insurances and all related to that. So I decided to start taking Go train. And then I got a parking ticket. And then my daughter was sick. After 1 week the doctor said that is pneumonia. She started antibiotics and feeling better. And then, just when i thought November was gone and my life should start looking better, I get a ticket for turning on a small road before 6:30pm. The sign is almost un-readible, in my mind I had it that the limit was for 6:00, my car was showing 6:15, I turned, the cop stopped me.. and a whole bunch of others before me and after me. This means more headache, more work for my lawyer to take this to court, more money wasted. It sucks! Right before christmas when I know I will spend for gifts, there I go and waste a whole bunch of money on cops and lawyer and car.
The horoscope tells me that I should be good because karma will help me. I have been really good with others, and this freaking karma is not being on my side at all. I am angry with myself, angry with the guy that hit me and left, angry with the doctor that waited 1 week until my daughter got really sick, angry with my husband that didn't pick up today the parts that I had ordered to fix my car, angry with the money that I am wasting, angry with my mom that gets worried very easy and prays every night asking very little back (I mean, if you pray, ask right, why stay short!), angry with guys at work that seem to drag their feet all day rather than get things done, angry with my daughter's teachers that think she is not responsible, angry with my daughter's karate teacher that tells me she hasn't been to karate, even when I explain to her that she has been sick, angry with the weather that is cold and rainy and snow, angry with people that leave parties, angry with people that do not leave their houses to socialize with their friends, angry that I can't be more in the mood to talk with my parents softer, angry with myself that I haven't been in the mood to be nicer to my daughter when she says "No" to everything I say, angry with ... everything, angry with the whole WORLD!

There were some good moments too in November. A lot of people wished me happy birthday and a lot of good things (although nothing so far), my husband bought me a nice necklace from Tiffany's, my dad had a new heart and a new eye that makes him see much better, I organized a part with a couple of other people and it was a success (I danced like there was no tomorrow), I went to yoga classes a couple of times (free ones at work), one of the guys that really bothers me at work was not there for a couple of weeks, one of my friends had a little baby boy (the next day after my accident).
It is not all dark pitch black, there are some white dots, but still, I am angry with myself and the whole World! Don't know what to do to forget and forgive myself. I don't think I can. I can't even sleep thinking about all this and worry even more and get angrier. I am disappointed with myself. Need therapy, need a psychiatrist. For a while I couldn't even cry. I wanted to but couldn't. And then I watched some crap movies and I started crying with those stories, but helped me to cry for myself. Crying is good, but must be when parents are not around or my mom will lower even more her asking on her prayers.
Time will sort things out, I know. Until then, I am angry without knowing how not to be angry.